You're Still Here
by Radical Liar
Summary: The worst ideas are born out of drunken stupors - or are they?
1. Chapter 1

"You're still here?" Cal popped his head through the glass door of Gillian's office, the surprise evident in his voice.

She just nodded in acknowledgment of his presence and question but didn't elaborate.

Cal raised his eyebrows and tried again, "Don't you have some place better to be? With what's his name Clark?"

"_Mark_." Gillian seethed and then shook her head. Her reaction took him by surprise, something must have happened between them.

"What happened? He too busy?" He asked as he stepped into her office and closed the door behind him.

"None of your business, really, Cal." She countered without even looking up from her paperwork.

"Can't a friend ask a friend what's wrong?" Cal shrugged his shoulders.

"Only when you ask, it's never just a question. You prod for information." Gillian laughed dejectedly, "You're like the Spanish Inquisition, Cal."

"Ok", Cal nodded and crossed the distance to her in a few quick strides, rounding her desk and reaching for her bottom drawer.

"Cal! What the hell are you doing?" she exclaimed annoyed and startled, when his hand brushed against her leg.

"If you won't talk to me then perhaps you want to talk to our friend Captain Morgan?" Cal raised his eyebrows. Gillian seemed undecided. "Well, I know I need a drink and seeing as you and Torres raided my office stash, I have to help myself to your supply." He explained as he pulled out two glasses and a bottle of rum from her drawer.

She watched him open the bottle and pour two fingers worth of booze into each glass. He left one on her desk and carried the other one with the bottle to the couch where he made himself comfortable. Gillian groaned inwardly. She'd never get rid of him now.

"So let's try this again. What happened? Do I need to break Mark's bones?" Cal asked in jest. Though really, he wasn't kidding. He'd kill any of her courtiers if they'd hurt her, without even so much as a second thought, in the blink of an eye.

"Let it go, Cal." The glass of rum suddenly seemed very alluring. It definitely would help in putting up with her nosy business partner. With a quick swift she downed the golden liquid and felt the smooth but slightly burning sensation travel down her throat.

"Ok." Cal shrugged his shoulders and followed her suit, immediately re-filling his glass. He held up the bottle for her and when she nodded he walked back to her desk to pour her another drink. On his way back he muttered, "I always knew that wanker was good for nothing."

"Cal!" She reprimanded him. Cal had never liked Mark. She didn't know why because Mark was perfect. Perhaps that was what annoyed Cal. He didn't like perfectionism, he considered perfect people too good to be true. If you're trying to be so perfect you must be hiding something. She'd made it clear from the get go that Mark was off limits to Cal, if he valued their friendship. After all the crap he'd put her through over the last months, Cal had no right at all to meddle with her personal life. She'd told him plainly to man up; if she had to put up with Wallowski, he could tolerate Mark.

"We broke up", She sighed and downed the second glass. Cal's head jerked up and he stared at her incredulously. She'd broken it off with Mr. Perfect? When? Why?

"At the risk of sounding like a broken record, what happened?"

"We didn't want the same in life." Gillian said cryptically.

"Who would have thought? Mr. Perfect isn't so perfect at all." Cal sneered.

"Would you stop it already?" Gillian reprimanded him, "What has he ever done to you for you to hate him so much?"

_Because he stole you from me._ Cal looked at her at a loss for words. He couldn't tell her. Not like this. Not when she'd just broken up with another guy. _Because he took what was supposed to be mine. Don't you understand, Gillian? You were supposed to be mine!_ Cal shook his head and Gillian looked at him a bit weird. Could she read his thoughts? Had his mask slipped? Was she able to see his jealousy? His tormented love for her? He sighed. How could he tell her how much it had hurt him to see her date another man? How hard it was for him to watch her flaunt her happiness in his face day after day? They really didn't have good timing, did they ever?

After Claire he thought things would be different. He didn't want to ambush her while she was still hurting but after admitting his feelings for Gillian to his daughter, he really could not see any reason not to tell the woman he loved how much she meant to him. So he played it cool. He was there for her, a strong shoulder to lean on while she went through her grieving process. He thought it would be in incredibly poor taste to tell a woman you loved her while she was mourning the death of someone special. So he waited. And waited. And waited for some sign or another that it was ok to broach the subject of courting her. Finally, the bounce in her step came back, confidence returned to her words and actions and she walked more upright again. Cal figured the time had come only to receive the worst punch to his guts he'd ever received. It was ten times worse than an actual physical kick into the stomach.

"_You seem happier in the last few days", he commented while they were having dinner._

_Gillian toyed with her hair and blushed lightly. "You noticed?" Could people really see she had changed or was it just Cal and his expert skills of observation? She wasn't ready yet for the world to know._

_Cal nodded and smiled. "I'm glad. I was worried about you. Do you think you've finally gotten over Claire's death?"_

_Gillian nodded and debated over telling him. He'd been her support system through this ordeal. She'd never thought it possible but he was her pillar of strength. Cal could be extremely caring and compassionate when he wanted to be. Maybe he deserved to know. "I met someone…"_

_The teasing smile on his face fell, "What?" He felt sick like from a blow to the guts._

_Gillian rolled her eyes embarrassed, "His name is Mark. We met at this support group. I know I said I didn't want to attend their meetings but I thought, what the heck, I should give it a try at least once. It didn't really help me, but I met this guy there. He lost his wife to cancer a couple years ago. He's running the group…"_

"_What?" Cal didn't like how his voice sounded an octave higher than it normally did. Panic was coursing through his veins as he tuned out her words. He had not expected this! He'd taken her out for dinner because he wanted to find out what her thoughts would be on pursuing a relationship between them. And here she was explaining to him that she'd met this great guy at a meeting for people grieving the loss of a loved one. Was that even allowed? How was this possible? Why did the universe hate him so much? Didn't he do the right thing by waiting for her to be ready for a relationship? He'd tried so hard to be there for her through the ordeal, prepped her up again and this wanker got to reap the seeds of his hard work?_

"We broke up," Gillian started but stopped abruptly, undecided how and whether to continue at all. She was still trying to defend Mark but hadn't he unceremoniously dumped her when he'd found out? Made her feel insufficient and like damaged goods? "He dumped me when he found out I couldn't have any children."

Cal's head jerked up in anger, "I beg you pardon?" Did that fucking idiot really have the nerve to dump Gillian because she couldn't bear him any children? Had their relationship really advanced so fast in the six months they'd been dating that they had started talking about marriage and possibly starting a family? "I didn't know you guys were so serious." He added lamely.

Gillian nodded, "It only made sense. Mark and I we were just so in synch and getting on so well. We both lost a spouse, Mark knew what it's like to rebuild your life from scratch when you're suddenly out on your own after being in the same relationship for the better part of your adults life." The way she worded her response made Cal realize that Gillian's divorce had been very different from his. The Alec she'd separated from was not the man she had married ten years ago. In a way she _had_ lost a husband – to drugs – even if Alec Foster was still very much alive.

"Wow. I'm sorry, Gillian, I don't really know what to say." Cal was still reeling from the shock that the love of his life had seriously considered marrying another man. She would've been lost to him forever. Again. So really, the problem was…he wasn't really very sorry after all. And he was scared he was doing a piss poor job of hiding his true feelings from Gillian.

"No, you're not. You never liked him." He may have been wearing his stoic mask but Gillian had learned from the best and managed to see through many of his lies.

"That's not what I meant." She shouldn't have the fact that she was infertile thrown into her face every day, especially not by the man who supposedly loved her.

"I know. It's ok, Cal. I'm glad I found out now rather than five years into my new marriage. I just…" She struggled finding the right words. "I just can't believe this happened! I mean things were going so good and then this. Mark's such a caring person, I can't believe he can't get past the fact that we'd not be able to have biological children."

"What did he say? Maybe it's just a misunderstanding?" Cal suggested. What the hell was wrong with him? Why did he try to save Gillian's relationship with another man?

"Oh no, Cal, he was very clear, no room for interpretation." She shook her head vehemently. "He told me in no uncertain terms that he does not want to adopt children with me."

"His loss, love." Cal tried to reassure her. "I wouldn't hesitate a second to adopt a child with you."

Gillian's head jerked up in surprise and Cal realized he'd let slip more than he wanted. Oh he'd put his foot deep into his mouth this time. How could you backpedal on a blunder like this? "What I mean, love, is… now don't get me wrong… I just want to…" Christ, there are really no words in the English language to make what he said sound better, were there? "My point is, as a friend…" He gave up and downed another glass of rum. And a second one right after. He was going to pay for this but maybe if he drank enough alcohol he could erase this faux pas from his memory forever. Maybe if he drank more than enough alcohol he could erase this moment from both their memories…

Gillian stood up and walked over with a huge grin on her face. He really was cute when he got flustered, and she said so: "You're adorable, when you get all flustered, Cal Lightman." She mused and kissed him on the forehead, "I knew what you meant, Cal." She held her glass out for him to give her a refill and added, "Thanks for your vote of confidence in me."

"I mean it Gill." Cal explained while he poured her another drink, "You'd be a great mother. Any child on this earth would be grateful to call you his or her mum." He knew this was a difficult subject for his best friend so he added some extra rum to her glass. He watched her as she put the glass to her red lips, hesitating a moment before she took a sip.

"That thought, right there," he started, "I think you should go through with it."

Gillian looked up surprised at her friend and then squinted her eyes. She really hated that feature in him sometimes. She could have absolutely no privacy at all around him. It was unnerving.

"That's easier said than done, Cal."

"Have you actually tried it?" He countered.

Gillian shook her head no. "I withdrew our application after Alec and I got a divorce. I thought about trying a single-parent adoption but the truth is, even though the law allows it, you'll always be at a disadvantage."

Cal nodded and gazed at her for a long time. He took in her sadness while she explained the process of vetting to him, her resignation becoming more and more apparent with every little detail she'd shared. She'd withdrawn her application because she knew they would never give her a child, not because she wasn't up to the task to raise a child on her own.

"You don't know what it's like, Cal. It was already so hard to find an adoption agency that would take us with Alec's drug history. Some wouldn't take us until the infertility issue wasn completely resolved, some didn't like our income status, one just creeped us out with their spiritual and religious hogwash…"

She was fighting the tears that threatened to well up in her eyes as she related to Cal the ordeal she and Alec had gone through to even be considered as potential parents. That was only to get on a list, there was no guarantee they'd even get a shot at an adoption.

"It makes no sense", Cal roared angrily, "There are hundreds of orphaned and deserted children in foster homes in this country alone. It's insane that they're allowed to be so picky."

"I know. I understand that they want to make sure children are placed in safe and stable homes but really sometimes the law is not in the favor of the people it's supposedly protecting."

"Anyone who can't see what a great life a kid would have with you is not fit to work in social welfare." Cal declared. "Married or not. Someday you'll make a child very happy. I just know that."

"You're really sweet, Cal, but my chances of that ever happening are only decreasing as I turn older with every passing year. Most agencies are capping off at 40."

"Have you thought about other options?"

"Like what? Walking into a maternity ward and snatching another woman's baby?" She looked at him like he'd grown a second head.

"No!" Cal laughed out loud, "Private adoption. Like you see in the movies and on TV? That kind of stuff."

Gillian laughed and shook her heard. "Alec didn't want that. I'm not sure I trust that myself. I mean…I couldn't keep Sophie even though we'd formally adopted her with a recognized state agency, I can only imagine the difficulties that arise when you try to do it privately."

"You can always hire a lawyer and make sure the birth mother signs a contract, find an agency that will let you do that."

"Honestly I wouldn't even know where to begin looking and then nothing has really changed. If you gave your child up for adoption, you'd be looking for a nice, young married couple who could give your child anything you couldn't. I'm a middle-aged woman, married to my work without a husband; I'd end up on the bottom pile again anyway."

Cal hated how resigned her voice had become. Her face betrayed her feelings of deficiency and self-doubts. It made him angry to see his Gillian so dejected and hopeless. He'd meant to bolster her confidence and make her feel adequate after Mark had torn a hole into her dreams. That idiot. He'd never do that to her. He would jump at the chance to have a life with her. He'd be happy to have a family with her. Emily loved her like a second mother anyway. But would Emily be ever enough for Gillian? She'd seen her grow up but had never been allowed to mother her. Emily was basically an adult, a teenager wise and mature beyond her years.

"Marry me." Cal blurted out. It _must_ have been Captain Morgan speaking.

"Excuse me?" She _must_ have misheard him.

"Marry me. Then you have a real shot at adoption. Just make sure you pick an agency that doesn't make you hand back our baby. I don't want another Sophie. That was tough enough to handle the first time around and I wasn't even married to you back then." Cal heard that traitor Captain Morgan speaking again. It was like he had lost control over his tongue, which was saying whatever came to his mind.

"You're drunk, Cal, you don't know even what you're saying. You'd be miserable if we got married and adopted a baby." Gillian reminded him.

And just like that Cal realized Captain Morgan had nothing to do with this conversation. There really was a part of him that wanted this. He loved Gillian. It wasn't like he would be doing her a favor. Quite honestly, she'd be doing him the favor if she agreed to become his wife and he'd have some justification for his jealousy if another man even as much as glanced at her. But he couldn't tell her that. She'd think it was a trap or something.

"You're probably right." He conceded and silence fell between them for a few minutes before he spoke up again, "There's an old saying though…"

"In vino veritas?" Gillian suggested and damned if he was wrong but he could see a flicker of hope in her eyes.

"In vino veritas." Cal nodded. "You could do a lot worse than me." He offered.

"That I could."

"I've already raised a child. I'm sure that would earn you some brownie points in your application." He reasoned.

"Probably. But you're also not a young spring chicken anymore."

Cal shrugged his shoulders, "I'll cut down the red meat and alcohol and increase my fiber intake."

"You'd be tied down with another kid for the next twenty years." Gillian warned him.

"So? I'd be tied down with you. There are worse ways to spend the remaining twenty years of my life."

"Don't be so morbid!"

"What? You started it. You called me old!" He laughed.

"Oh my God, you're really serious about this!" She shrunk back startled when she saw the truth on his face. His control had slipped under the influence of the alcohol and unguarded as he was, she could read his face easily. "You'd really marry me, so I'd have better chances for adopting a child? That's very chivalrous of you, Cal, but I don't need your sacrifice." He actually looked a little hurt now and the situation was becoming increasingly awkward.

"I need to go home", She got up and walked over to her desk to turn off her computer. Cal remained seated and watched her tidy up her desk a little before she grabbed her purse. Gillian looked at Cal, who hadn't moved an inch, and walked back to him. She bent slightly to kissed his forehead again, "And you, mister, need to sleep off the alcohol before you find yourself pledging your life to me at a tacky chapel in Vegas. Good night, Cal."

"Night", he mumbled as his eyes followed her ass to the door and down the corridor until he lost sight of it at the photo wall. Cal closed his eyes and sighed. "With you, it could never be a sacrifice."

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><p><em>AN: This is an old plot bunny I've never actively pursued until now, since I'm generally wary of these kind of stories, but as plot bunnies do, they have a mind of their own and sometimes demand to be written - so if there's an interest in this type of story, let me know; my plot bunny is ready to take over my brain. (Though I shall take no responsibility whatsoever for the end result.)_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Wow. Just wow. I'm completely overwhelmed and humbled by the positive and numerous feedback I've received from everyone regarding this story. Of course, now the pressure is on to live up to expectations and I hope this story will stand the test of time. This is the first time that I'm writing a story that hasn't been fully mapped out, so your feedback will probably contribute a great deal to what shape and direction this story will take on eventually. Unfortunately it means that I have no concept of when and how I will be able to update. I'll try to shoot for weekly updates on Fridays but I can't really promise anything because my muse can be a fickle thing and my job can get superbusy - so please bear with me. So anyways, my plot bunny is all giddy and whispering in my ear "told you so" with a big fat grin and coaxed me into posting this short (sorry!) update._

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><p>"You're still here?" Gillian poked her head into Cal's study on her way out.<p>

"Yeah, just about to leave actually. Why, did you need something?" Cal turned around with a book in hand.

"No," Gillian shook her head but didn't move.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded.

"Do you have any plans for the evening?" He asked casually. Ever since she'd begun dating Mark they'd essentially stopped having dinner together. It had been over three weeks since he'd learned of their break up, so maybe it was ok again to pick up their shared weekly dinner and a movie evenings. As friends of course.

"Actually I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner with me."

Hah! He knew it. He could see something was on her mind and she wasn't just stopping by to say goodnight.

"Sure. We might have to wing it, though, because I'm not sure we can get a table without a reservation."

"No, I thought maybe I'd cook you dinner."

Cal raised his eyebrows skeptically. "What did you do?"

"Nothing!" She lied and knew he could probably see right through her deception but she didn't care anyway. "Can't a friend cook a friend dinner from time to time?"

"Sure a friend can do that. But, love, when you cook dinner for me there's always a catch."

"Like what?" She challenged him.

"Like the one time you made a roast beef for me and I ended up with a new employee."

"So? Torres turned out to be great, so shut up, Cal."

He held up his hands in resignation but he wasn't fooled for a minute that Gillian Foster had an ulterior agenda. Cal trailed her home in his own car, curious to find out what attack she'd planned on him this time. He hoped it wasn't about expanding the company or the book publisher.

"It's not about me finishing my book, is it?" He asked as they entered her house. He'd better find out now while he could still do a runner on her doorstep.

"No, Cal, this isn't about your book, which I hope you're almost done with because I'm scared of the day they're gonna request their advance back. Money we don't have to return by the way."

"I know. I'm working on it. I've sent them the proofs last week."

"You did?" She turned around and looked at him surprised.

He nodded, "I won't run down the company, love, have a little trust in me."

She nodded, too, and disappeared into the kitchen. Cal watched her turn on the stove and pull out a saucepan and pot. "I hope you feel like Italian. Because I do." She winked at him.

Cal grinned, "Whatever you want, love. Just be warned that I'm hungry like a wolf."

"Duly noted." She nodded in the direction of her wine cabinet, "You decide."

Cal walked over to the wine storage and read through her labels. He could hear her filling the pot with water to cook the pasta. Cal picked a bottle of red wine he knew would go well with any kind of pasta she conjured up and started to decant it. It would be ready just in time for dinner.

Gillian started to chop the vegetables for the sauce and Cal grabbed the sparring knife and cut the chicken breast into bite-sized pieces. They worked silently side by side, preparing dinner, neither one ready to address the pink elephant in the room.

0~0~0~0~0

"Okay, love, much as I love the secrecy surrounding this dinner, the suspense is killing me, so out with it. What's this all about?" Cal wiped his mouth with the napkin Gillian always provided. He used to tease her about it but Gillian insisted on proper dinner etiquette in her home.

"I…" She started but trailed off.

"Yes…?" He mimicked her.

"I wanted to talk about what you've said to me in your office the other night."

Cal cringed. So that was indeed the reason she'd been avoiding him the past few weeks. The few things he remembered from that night made him wish he'd drunk more booze so he'd not remember anything at all. She'd probably thought about how to let him down gently and figured cooking him a delicious meal would soften the blow. Well, he'd make it easier for her and do the dirty work for her. "I'm sorry, I was really way out of line. I don't know what I was thinking. You were absolutely right; I was completely smashed and didn't know what I was saying. Please forgive me, if I've made you uncomfortable."

"You weren't serious?" Gillian swallowed and inquired guardedly.

"Of course not, come on! I mean, you and I raising a child together? We'd be driving each other up the wall! Seriously, I've already raised a child and done my duty to mankind. Why would I go through it all again? It was just the alcohol rearing its ugly head." Cal had steeled himself to put on his best mask as he lied through his teeth, praying it would come off.

"Oh", Gillian uttered, "I'm glad we cleared that up then."

"Sorry, if I freaked you out a little bit with my proposal that night. It was mostly the alcohol speaking."

Gillian nodded, fighting back the tears that threatened to well up. "Well, how about some desert? I want some ice cream, how about you?"

"Sure, let's end our Italian dinner in style with some gelato." Cal forced a grin and tried to get up to help her in the kitchen but Gillian put her hands over his, telling him to stay put. She cleared the table and carried the dishes into her kitchen. What she really needed was a minute to collect herself. She hadn't realized how much stock she'd put into Cal's offer until he'd just now completely eradicated her pipe dreams.

Cal mentally kicked himself. He'd probably fucked up everything again with his loose tongue. She'd never take him seriously now if he told her he wanted to be with her. Why did he have to make that stupid proposal? He should've never opened his mouth and just let things be. Give her some time to get over Mark and then ask her out on a date. That would have been the reasonable thing to do. But when had he ever been reasonable? Only his idiotic brain could come of with an idea of marrying her so they could adopt a baby together! Of course, she'd be freaked out and looking for a way to turn him down.

Cal stopped pacing the floor and realized in shock that he'd subconsciously gotten up. She was driving him insane, quite literally. His eyes wandered around her dining room, as he waited for her to return. She'd been in the kitchen awfully long now and he wondered what she was doing in there. Make the ice cream from scratch? He wouldn't put it past her. Gillian Foster had fully embraced her inner Martha Stewart in contrast to him – his was still MIA. Bored, he snooped a bit around her apartment. It had been a while since he'd been over and he noticed a few new titles on her bookshelf. He wandered around aimlessly for a while and then stopped to look at some brochures splayed out on her coffee table. His heart stopped beating and he felt his chest constrict tightly. He really was the biggest wanker in the world!

"When were you going to tell me about this?" He came up behind her and placed the adoption folders on the kitchen counter before her.

She visibly tensed at the sight of the documents but made no move to turn around. Cal rested his hands on the marble top, effectively caging in Gillian. She had nowhere to go; and if he could help it, she wouldn't escape him until they'd talked this out.

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><p><em>AN: Oh yes, I forgot to mention - my plot bunny is evil and likes cliffhangers!_


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Hi, it's me, the evil plot bunny who's seized Radical Liar's brains for the time being. One of the last things she whispered to me before I took over complete control of her mind was that she'd forgotten to put up the usual disclaimer. So here we go: We own nothing and mean no harm yadda yadda yadda - you know the rest. Now let's get to the good part. We pick up right where we left, FYI. The story is slowly taking shape in a rough draft but there's just tons of things I have to research about adoption or alien marriage, which are slowing things down. Bottom line: this is probably not a very authentic portrayal of procedures but I'm doing my best to make it realistic while still serving the purposes of my narrative._

_Oh and by the way, I've found out I grow with reviews (I'm now twice the size I was before) - but don't tell that to my host body or she'll try to wrestle her control back from me when you guys skip the feedback. Tee hee!_

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><p>"<em>Were<em> you going to tell me about this?" He asked her again. "Talk to me, Foster, please."

"How mad are you?" She whispered. He could tell from the tiny sobs that shook her body that she was crying.

"Not mad, love", Cal stepped up until her back was flush against his chest, "just wish you woulda talked to me first." He wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss away her tears. Instead he brought his face closer until his nose almost touched her neck. "Don't cry, Gill."

Was it wrong that she drew comfort from his almost embrace in spite of the mess she'd made? His voice was so soothing and made everything worse. She felt terrible. She'd put him in an impossible situation. "It's just doodling, Cal, nothing final."

"Just doodling, huh?" He smirked and she could feel it on her skin because of his close proximity, "That's some serious doodling if I've ever seen one. I should be glad you haven't also signed them for me, cause I know you can forge my signature."

She whirled around in his arms and looked at him aghast, "Cal, I would never do that! I don't know what possessed me in the first place to even fill them out." He _must_ know that she would never betray him like that, or didn't he? Had their friendship really come to this? It was one thing to fake his signature on minor company paperwork but a completely different kettle of fish to forge his signature to tack a child and a lifetime of responsibilities on him. She'd just been so dejected after she spent the last weeks shopping adoption agencies. She couldn't afford the ones that looked most promising and the others were just downright questionable. She'd thought maybe with two incomes her chances would be better.

"So the plan wasn't to bribe me into signing up for a lifetime of temper tantrums and midnight feedings? Cause I gotta warn you, Emily still raids the fridge at midnight when she's upset with me."

Despite their situation Gillian smiled at Cal's words. She brushed away her tears quickly. She felt so stupid that she'd been caught and broke down like that in front of him. She was always complaining about how he cut her out when he followed up on potentially dangerous leads and here she was just proving him right in his patronizing assumption that she couldn't handle herself under stress at all.

"I don't know _what_ I was thinking. Clearly, I _wasn't_ thinking anything at all. Things weren't looking too good. I guess I was just trying it on for size." She explained. He raised his eyebrow.

"See? I knew it. There's always a catch when you cook for me." He grinned and she had the decency to look a little bit contrite. It had been terribly presumptuous of her to even think about using Cal and his second income to improve her chances at adoption.

"I'm so sorry, Cal. I should've planned this better. This isn't how I wanted you to find out. I thought we'd talk about it over dinner. It was just, I've made some preliminary inquiries into single parent adoption and – Cal these people are bloodhounds."

"So that's what you've been up to these days. I thought you were hiding from me, figuring out a way to give me the shaft." He smiled.

Gillian shook her head, "I've done some search over the internet and called to inquire about my chances. I must have called a dozen of them, even visited some, but none were really ever going to give me a baby. Those who considered single parents were worried about my work hours and age. Many private agencies are religious foundations that won't take single mothers at all, some are shady lawyers who are obviously scamming desperate parents with international adoptions. There are some for profit agencies that will take anyone but I could hear their lies through the phone. They were never going to place a child with me, they just wanted my money."

"That's my girl", Cal said proudly, "We should blow the whistle on them."

Gillian raised her eyebrows.

"I mean it, just thinking about these agencies scamming desperate and hopeful parents is making my blood boil. That's just about the lowest you can sink to morally."

"What are you going to do? Scout out every single one of them and report them?"

"If that's what we have to do, wouldn't be the first time we went undercover together."

"Excuse me?" She blinked at him confused.

"Give me a pen, Foster", Cal grabbed the folders and flipped them through until he found the appropriate forms, "You and I are going to adopt a baby."

"Oh, Cal! Do be serious!" She blocked the signature field with her hand, but Cal didn't let that stop him and opened her junk drawer in search of writing instruments. Bloody pencils everywhere! Did nobody use a pen anymore these days?

"I am."

"Cal, please be reasonable. We can't afford this wild goose chase and we don't really have anything to go on other than my voice stress analysis over the phone."

Cal whipped out his cell phone, "I'm calling Wallowski. I'm sure the police would be interested to look into the questionable business practices of registered adoption agencies."

"No!" Gillian snatched the phone out of his hands desperately. Cal looked at her astounded by her overreaction. "Gill?"

"Please, Cal. Not her. I don't want her to know. Please."

"Alright, I'm sorry." He took the phone back and returned it to his pocket. "It's ok." He pulled her into his arms, as it dawned on him what this was all about. "It's ok, love."

She clung to him as she drew her strength from him. "I just…"

"You don't have to explain yourself, I understand." He squeezed her a little bit tighter, "It's nobody's business. You don't have to tell anyone, if you're not ready."

She closed her eyes relieved. She couldn't bear the thought of the other woman knowing. It had been awkward enough when she and Alec had adopted Sophie. Except for Cal, no one knew about their plans, so when she suddenly went on maternity leave, it caught their entire staff off guard. She'd never forget the sympathetic look Loker had given her on the day he'd found out about the adoption. He'd meant well, but all it did was remind her that she needed another woman's mistake to right the wrong she'd been dealt by Mother Nature.

"It's not your fault, Gill. It's a freak of nature and it doesn't make you any less of a woman in my book. Mark's an idiot, that's what he is. A wanker, a tosser, a right plonker…"

She chuckled into his chest. He hated that Mr-Bloody-Perfect had made her feel second best and second-guessing herself. What did he have to do to make her understand that she was nothing short of the Holy Grail of Women? He'd worshipped her when she was his unattainable love ideal and he'd wanted her in the worst possible way ever since she'd become available. Everyone else in between was just filler material until she returned his feelings for her. Her infertility played absolutely no factor in his desire to be with her and spend the rest of their life together – with or without children.

"Please, Gill, don't feel like you're inadequate anymore just because you can't have children. I thought we were over this. There's no shame in that. You're still a beautiful woman inside and outside, and if a man can't see that then he doesn't deserve you. I'm just sorry if I re-opened old wounds with my careless talk the other night."

She hugged him a little bit tighter, for his words were soothing her soul. "You're fine, Cal, don't worry. I _am_ over it." She mumbled into his chest and he pulled back to get a clear look at her face. "I'm not lying. I just don't feel _everyone_ needs to know about it. And if anyone opened old wounds it was Mark's inconsiderateness." _But she'd still rather die than feel like a second class woman every time she looked at the hot cop, who she had absolutely no doubts that she would be capable of bearing Cal tons of perfect little babies._ That part she left unsaid.

"Of course", he whispered and tucked her head back under his chin. "You do know, though, that Wallowski pales in comparison next to you?"

Damn that man! At what point exactly had he advanced from face reader to mind reader? Gillian pulled out of his embrace and gauged him carefully. He was serious. "You're free to date whomever you want", she reminded him, "though I can't understand why you had to chose a crooked cop of all people. Do you really get such a kick out of manipulating people?"

"If they let me", Cal shrugged his shoulders, "If it makes you feel better, I haven't been seeing her outside of work since last year."

Gillian covered her surprise, but wasn't quite quick enough to conceal it entirely from him. She realized regretfully that she'd been so pre-occupied with herself, she hadn't really been paying a lot of attention to Cal's life. After Claire's death he'd been around her almost 24/7 to a point where she told him to go mother someone else. All he did in response was show her his wolfish grin and ask her how it felt when the tables were turned on her. She'd made a mental promise never to smother him like that again. "I'm sorry, Cal. I didn't mean to ruin your relationship with Wallowski. She must have been pissed that you were spending so much time with me."

"Nah, it was never serious to begin with", Cal reassured her, "and you're way more important than her anyway." The truth was, Cal had broken it off with Walloswki soon after Emily had ambushed him about his feelings for Gillian. He didn't want to complicate things further, and if his plan had worked out, he wanted to be baggage free, when Gillian was ready for a relationship with him.

"Really? That wasn't the impression I got last year!" Gill challenged him, putting her hands on her hips. Cal almost laughed out loud at her textbook position of defiance.

"Really", he reached for her hands and laced his fingers through hers, "I'd never consider adopting a child with her."

And just like that they'd come full circle and it was time to address the elephant in the room.

"I really made a mess of things, didn't I?" She shook her head resigned.

"No, I did." Cal grabbed her at the elbow, "Come on, let's have that talk you invited me over for in the first place." When she didn't move he nudged her softly until she made little baby steps backwards. "It's ok, Foster, we'll figure things out."

He looked at her so reassuringly, she believed him. He was right, they'd been through much worse together. She just had to make sure she wouldn't let her emotions get in the way. She let him guide her back into the living room and felt him shove her gently onto the couch, "There, much better. Way more comfy than your kitchen", she heard him say through her daze. "Now you go ahead and start at the beginning, while I grab our glasses, ok? I'm still listening."

She watched him disappear from the corner of her eyes and wondered where to begin. At the start. She scoffed. That was easier said than done.

"Well, what you've said in my office that night, it had really struck a chord with me. You were right, of course, I'd never really tried to adopt by myself. I'd just given up. That realization made me angry because Gillian Foster ain't no quitter and I became irritated with myself that I had let Alec continue to manipulate me even after the divorce."

"He talked you out of it?" Cal had returned, with two refilled glasses in each hand and the application folder tucked underneath his chin. Gillian took the offered glass and had to suppress a chuckle at his appearance. Sometimes he could behave like a child. With his hand free now, Cal grabbed the folder and threw it casually on the coffee table where it landed next to all the other brochures.

"No but…I don't know how to explain it, for a long time it was like there was always his specter looming over me."

"Oh, I know _that_ feeling", Cal commiserated, as he plopped down on the couch next to her, "Only mine answered to the name of Zoë…" They both laughed out loud and raised their glasses to bid their respective specters farewell. "Ok, so you decided to look into the adoption process from the perspective of a single parent."

Gillian nodded, "Yes, I mean I was familiar with the overall process from when Alec and I tried it but I wanted to know the requirements for eligible single moms."

"And that's where things went downhill?"

"Yeah", she sounded so dejected that he instinctively put his arm around her shoulder, "People always say adoption is much easier nowadays because it's become more transparent but I just feel like it's a bureaucratic jungle. When Alec suggested adoption, he had very specific requirements in mind based on the preliminary research he'd done, so we ended up using a recognized agency that had a good track record of placing domestic infants with young couples. But there are a lot more options, Cal. Some agencies offer international adoption, some offer domestic only, some offer both. Some offer infants, others older children. Some are closed adoptions, though most favor open adoptions. Some offer full service, some are just lawyers who'll help with the paperwork after you've found a birth other yourself. So many children that need a home, Cal! It's just so overwhelming! I mean how can you possibly make a choice with so many options?"

"Aw, com'ere", he pulled her closer and tucked her head under his chin, when she rested it on his shoulder, "We'll make it work, I promise." He could only imagine how she must feel – probably very much like the proverbial donkey chasing after the carrot dangled in front of him.

"And the irony is…turns out I'm _not_ good single mom material." She could feel him tense, she'd expected as much. Before he could let loose a string of choice words, she continued, "Some private adoption agencies are church-affiliated, so they flat out deny single parents adoption. I crossed those off my list right away, there weren't that many of them anyway. Turns out, that a lot of other private adoptions agencies still have the same old-fashioned idea that couples are better suited to raise children. The honest ones just tell you right away about your chances, the for-profit ones will take your case anyway but warn you that preference will be given to couples. Do you have any idea how long the average waiting list was when Alec and I tried it?" She looked at him but didn't really expect an answer.

"Six and a half months." Cal remembered, "You may have mentioned it once or twice", he grinned, "or a couple dozen times."

"I probably got on your nerves a lot back then." She smiled wistfully, remembering Cal's patience when she'd vented her frustrations on him, while he calmly listened to her rants. Only until now, she'd always been sure that he'd checked out halfway through, feigning interest, but from the looks of things he may actually have really cared about it.

"No", Cal shook his head, "and even if you did, it wouldn't matter and I'll tell you why. I love you, Gill, you're my best friend. You needed me and I wanted to be there for you, especially after all the support you'd given me through my divorce. And now you need me again, and I want to be there for you, especially after the crap I've sent your way the last year."

"Is that why you offered to marry me? Out of guilt over the way you've behaved last year?"

"No", he said firmly, "that wasn't the reason at all." She didn't look convinced. Apparently he had his work cut out for him. Best to work in little baby steps, one problem at a time. "I assure you, I would've never made that offer if my whole heart hadn't been in it." She opened her mouth to point out that his whole heart could be in it for all the wrong reasons but he cut her off, "But let's not get ahead of ourselves here. Go back to the part with the bad single-parent material."

"Well, they didn't specifically say I'd make a bad parent", she rolled her eyes, "they just voiced concerns regarding my capabilities to raise a child alone."

"Based on what?" Cal's voice rose a little the way it always did when he knew a client was feeding him bullshit.

"I asked some questions, they made some preliminary inquiries…" Gillian sighed. "What it comes down to is that my financial situation doesn't look very rosy. As things are, I can hardly afford the adoption fee. I don't have a lot of securities and the way business has been going lately…" She trailed off.

"I'm so sorry, Gill", Cal felt miserable. He knew the day would come when he'd pay for his flippancy and irresponsibility but never in a million years he'd dreamt it would be Gillian paying the price for him.

"No, Cal, it's not your fault. I lost a lot of money in the crash. Alec and I both did. The fertility treatment and previous adoption process have also taken their toll but we would have recovered if it hadn't been for the economy breaking down completely."

"But if I hadn't taken out that extra loan on the company you could have used it now. The way things are they'll never give us even a cent."

"That's not going to be the only problem, Cal. Back then our old social worker was skeptical about the kind of work I do. She thought that both Alec and I were putting in too many hours at work. She was especially concerned about my work, though, seeing as we'd just been on the news for cracking that domestic terror cell with the FBI."

"Yeah, I remember, the FBI wasn't happy about the leak and honestly, I could've done without seeing my face on the evening news. Had nightmares for days after that that something might happen to Emily because another cell would retaliate."

"Was good publicity, though. We'd have never gotten the retainer with the mayor without it."

"I know." Cal sighed. He had a feeling where this conversation was heading and he didn't like it one bit. Gillian showed no signs of continuing because she was afraid of the outcome of what they had to discuss next.

"Are you going to leave me?" Cal finally couldn't stand the silence any longer.

"I don't know", she said so quietly, Cal wasn't sure he'd even heard her. But her tormented look spoke volumes, more than her words could ever say. "I don't want to but if it is what it takes me to be accepted by a good adoption agency…"

"No", Cal put his foot down, "I won't let you do that."

Her head jerked up in anger and Cal recoiled a bit from the ire in her eyes. How dare he decide what was good for her and not. How dare he tell her what to do? How dare he give or deny her permission to do with her life what she wanted?

"That came out wrong but listen to me. I'll tell you what will happen if you leave me for a more lucrative job. You'll spend the next six months job hunting, effectively pushing your adoption further back because no agency is going to take you in between jobs. And what are you going to do? You can't open your own practice with the way your finances are and I can't afford to buy you out at the moment. So even if I filed for bankruptcy you wouldn't get your money's worth back. So what would you do? Work in a practice? You'd have to build up a clientele from scratch so that would take you months and eat up a lot of time – time they'd rather you spend doting on your new baby, provided they'd even consider giving you one. And we both know how it works when you're the new kid on the block, they'll give you the crappy cases. You'd spend hours agonizing over people you can't really help anyway, when you'd rather be at home playing with your little girl. And who's going to watch the baby while you're at work? I'm sure the adoption agencies would love to hear that you want to have a baby only to pass it off to a nursery while you work 18 hours a day at your new job"

Oh how she hated it when he got inside her head like that without invitation. Didn't he know she'd played that scenario through a million times herself? It was probably what tipped her over the edge and made her start filling out the adoption forms for them.

"So no, I won't let you do that to yourself, you'd end up worse than you are now. But here's what we're gonna do, we're gonna get our company finances in order. That wouldn't be enough to pay you out but it shouldn't raise any red flags when we try to adopt a child together. I promise I'll finish my book asap and we can use the final installment from the publisher to hire someone to help you with the book. That way you can cut down your hours at the office. I'd offer to help you with the administrative duties but I'm afraid we'd kill each other."

She looked at him amused, "You've got it all planned out, haven't you?"

"Well, you've been in my ears about it for a long time anyway, maybe this is the push I need to get it done."

"And then what, Cal? We settle the company finances and then what?"

"We're going to have a baby!" He suppressed the urge to do a Homer Simpson impression and yell 'd'oh!' at her.

"Just like that?"

"Well, we'd have to get married first, of course. We should probably get started on that paperwork right away because I don't know if you can just marry me like that. Zoë and I had to do the whole immigration shenanigans, albeit just the light version because of my liaison with the DoD."

"Cal… Cal!" she called his name for the second time to get his attention and he finally stopped. He looked at her hopefully. "We can't lie about our marriage!"

"Why not? Besides, it wouldn't be all lies. I'd be absolutely and one hundred per cent committed to raising a child with you. People have gotten married for worse reasons than friendship and starting a family together. If we didn't want to adopt, nobody would ask us why we'd gotten married in the first place!"

He did have a point there. It wasn't really fraud was it? He did already have a greencard, so immigrations wouldn't have anything to complain about, right? Was it fraud to marry your best friend whom you loved but weren't actually in love with? Cal was right, if they were any other couple nobody would probably give a shit. People got married and divorced left and right nowadays, and after all wasn't it exactly the purpose of the institution of marriage to go forth and multiply? And they wouldn't be deceiving the adoption agencies, after all they would be legally married and they had every intention to raise this child together.

"So what do you say, Foster, will you become my wife?" He nudged her shoulder softly to get her attention back.

"Cal", she began unsure. He looked at her expectantly.

"Oh I see. Silly me, you want the whole shebang with me dropping down on one knee", before she could stop him, he'd pushed himself off the couch, he turned around and excused himself, "You'll forgive me for not having a ring but I didn't come prepared for another proposal tonight."

"Don't! I can't," She held up her hand in a defensive gesture, when he was about to kneel down in front of her. She couldn't do this. Not like that. Not because it would be fraud but because it wouldn't be fair to either of them.

"Yes, you can do this. It's actually quite a simple question, when you think about it. Only requires a yes or no answer." He continued unperturbed.

"Stop it!" Gillian sighed, "Cal, I don't even know where to begin telling you how much your support in all this means to me."

"Why do I feel a but coming up?" His heart sank into his boots. Don't let it show. Don't let her know, was all he could think about while he mustered up his best smile.

"_But_ this is wrong. We can't do this. We can't build the rest of our lives on a foundation of lies. We of all people should know that it would never work out." She was thankful that her voice of reason had not only returned but gained the upper hand in her internal struggle before she'd mess up things even more.

He cocked his head, "Do you _want_ a baby?"

"Of course, I do."

"Just not with me, huh?" The dejected tone in his voice pierced right through her heart.

"No, that's not what I meant at all. I just…" She sighed frustrated. How could she make him see. "You think it's all a grand idea right now but I know you, Cal. You'd be miserable three years down the road because you're stuck in a marriage with me and a toddler who's sticking up beans his nose! I know you're doing this because you feel like you are partially responsible for the financial situation and probably out of a guilty conscience over the way you've treated me last year, and that's all very noble of you… but not necessary at all. I don't need your sacrifice and I don't want you to put your life on hold because of me. Maybe having children is just not in the cards for me."

"First of all, no child of mine will ever stick beans into his nose because he'll love his beans on toast far too much to do that." He declared and it had the desired effect. The corners of her mouth twitched in a half-hearted chuckle. "Second, what makes you think that watching you try feeding our little terror won't be exactly the place I want to be stuck in for the rest of my whole life? As far as I'm concerned, I'll add that to my list of hobbies right now. Don't you get it, Gill? If I could chose anyone in this world to have a child with, it would be you."

He did end up kneeling in front of her as he pleaded with her. It all started to feel a bit surreal and overwhelming for Gill. There was something in his voice, something in his eyes as he said these words to her that she had a hard time to place. She knew he was absolutely sincere, so it couldn't have been a deflection. He was looking at her with that intense gaze of his, the one that _always_ left her feel naked and vulnerable because she could've sworn he was looking right through her into her soul.

"And you're wrong, Foster, I'm doing this because I love you and you're my best friend. Let me be there for you the way you've always been there for me. If you want me I can take a week to mull over things but I don't have to. My mind won't change. I've watched you struggle with fertility treatments, grieving for Sophie, divorcing your deadbeat husband all the while thinking, I wish there was something I could do for her. If only I could have a magic wand and weave it and make all her dreams come true. If I could only use it once, I wouldn't use it for me, I'd always use it to make your life better. I know you have probably no reason to trust me after all I've put you through last year but I promise you, Gill, I'll be there for you no matter what. Any way or shape or form you need me to be. I'm not going anywhere. If you marry me, I'm one hundred per cent in this not because I feel like I have to but because I really want to. This is my chance, this is really something I can do for you. My magic wand. So, please let me do this for you, as a friend. Something must have made you fill out these forms for me in the first place, so somewhere deep down you know that I'm telling the truth and not doing this for all the wrong reasons."

When he finished his speech she looked at him with tears in his eyes. What had she ever done to deserve such a sweet and caring man? Cal Lightman was not in the habit of waxing poetics but every word he'd just said rang true to her. He may not have thought everything fully through but he had certainly spent enough time thinking about it to form an opinion.

"I don't know what I was thinking because, I mean, look at you! No one in his or her right mind would entrust a baby into your care. Not when you're gambling away company millions in Vegas, dating crooked cops, and participate in illegal fights!" She gave his shoulder a playful shove to knock him off his balance. She was thoroughly embarrassed because the last time a man had knelt in front of her… well, truthfully she'd never had a man kneel in front of her. Not since her father anyway when he struggled with her shoelaces as a little girl. And she was fairly certain that didn't count.

"Funny, that's exactly what I said to Zoë when she told me she was pregnant", Cal joked, "Who in their right mind would give me a baby?"

She looked at him funny as a warm feeling stirred in her stomach. "I'd give you a baby, Cal, if I could because I've seen you around Emily and I know what an absolutely wonderful father you are." She rested her palm against his cheek, "_That's_ why I put your name down on the forms."

"Good, I have absolutely no doubts that you'll make a wonderful mother", His eyes fluttered close for the briefest of moments, as he nestled his cheek into her palm. When he opened them again he looked at her with that intense and determined gaze of his, only this time it didn't make her all that much uncomfortable.

"See? Not _everything_ would be a lie." He smiled at her and she grinned back. He reached for her hands and stared at her delicate fingers for a moment. Ok, here goes nothing. He interlaced their fingers and looked up into her eyes. "I'm going to ask you one more time but that will be it, ok? If you say no, we'll bury this whole conversation and pretend it never happened. You don't have to give me your answer right away, if you need more time to think about it, that's fine, I can wait, so no pressure ok? You can say no, but be sure, because I don't think I can humiliate myself for you more than three times in a row."

She nodded. Why were her hands suddenly so sweaty? Why was her heart thumping in her chest so madly? This wasn't even a real proposal!

"Gillian Foster, will you marry me?"


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: My sincere apologies for the long delay. This fic takes a lot to research and I sometimes have to work backwards, so I can always put up chapters right away because I might have to rewrite them based on what happens later. I couldn't write the last two months and lost the voice and tone of the fic for a while, so it's taking me longer polishing chapters. I hope to get back into a routine soon, but for now here's something to sweeten the wait:_

* * *

><p>"Oh!" Emily exclaimed surprised, when she saw her father and his business partner still working at the dining table. "You're still here?"<p>

So much for dinner waiting when she came home. She bet her father hadn't even bothered to call for a pizza let alone actually set foot into the kitchen. Emily plopped down on the free chair next to Gillian and reached for her bag of candy to pinch a starburst.

"Yes, but we're almost done", Cal explained. "How was the movie?"

Emily shrugged her shoulder, "Ok, I guess." She turned towards Foster, and looked at her with puppy dog eyes, "Are you staying for dinner?"

Gill and Cal exchanged quick glances, before Cal spoke up, "Yes, she is."

"I'll get the flyers. Feel like anything in particular?" Emily asked.

"Err…no", Gillian frowned. Cooking was apparently highly overrated in the Lightman household.

"Ok, what about you, dad? Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Thai?" Emily called over he shoulder, as she walked into the kitchen to fetch the take out menus.

"Thai, I guess." Cal shouted.

"When are you going to tell her?" Gillian lowered her voice and looked at him seriously.

"Tonight", He explained, "after dinner. I wanted to check with you first whether you wanted to be there for it."

"Well looks like I will be now." Gillian sighed.

"You don't sound particularly happy about that." Cal noted.

"She's your daughter, Cal", she explained, "She needs to hear it from you. I don't want to be in the way."

"Nonsense", Cal shook his head and rested his hand over hers, leaning more into her personal space, "I think it's better, if we tell her together."

"Tell me what?" Emily asked when she returned with the menus. She sat back down and looked warily at the adults.

"Later, Em, after dinner, ok?" Cal put her off.

"Ok", Emily shrugged her shoulders and slid the flyer folders across the table for Gillian to read. "I think I'm going with Thai, too, but you can order from one of the other places."

"Nah, Thai sounds good to me", Gillian picked up the right folder and studied the listings.

Emily reached for her father's laptop without asking and opened a browser window.

"Oi!" Cal complained, "we're using that one for work."

"Relax, dad, I'm just gonna put in our order online, I'm not gonna download a virus or actually do the math on your budget sheets." Emily rolled her eyes, as she typed in the address. She quickly signed into their account and pulled up the page of their recent and favourite orders.

"The usual?" She looked at her father and Cal nodded. Emily selected one of their old orders and added extra sides of noodles and fried rice, since there were three of them. She looked over the laptop screen at Gillian who was pursing her lips, while she perused the menu.

Cal rolled his eyes and told his daughter that Gillian will have the chicken dumplings. Gillian looked up annoyed and shot daggers at Cal. Emily watched their non-verbal conversation amused, but slightly out of the loop. Clearly, there was a story behind Gillian's eating habits.

"Not everyone suspects criminal behaviour in the service industry like you do."

"Not everyone likes a little mystery for dinner", Cal quipped. "But go ahead, you can order the chicken dumplings from _Fung Loom_, I know the owner. If he says it's chicken dumplings, it's chicken meat you'll get."

"What you really mean is, you put the owner through your little interrogation routine and scared the living daylights out of him." Gillian corrected him and Emily snorted.

Cal turned sideways to his daughter, "I don't appreciate the non-verbal commentary from the sidelines", then he turned back towards Foster, "If you have to know, I helped out Mr Fung a few years ago with a personnel matter, and that's how I know his kitchen is spotless and serves what it says on the box."

"I see…" Gillian baited him.

"Actually, I think Mr. Fung is more scared of mom than of dad because she used to be a state attorney when we first started to go there." Emily quipped. "He'd never dare send us the wrong food for fear mom would sue him and have him deported."

Gillian frowned, "Do you guys ever eat home-cooked meals?"

"Sure!" Cal gave the slightest one-sided shoulder shrug and Gillian smirked.

"Like when?"

"Like when we have you over for dinner and you cook for us." Cal grinned. _Damn, I should've made that one a non-negotiable requirement for our fake marriage agreement._

"It's always nice to feel wanted." Gillian replied sarcastically.

"Oh, we do like you, Gill", Emily smiled at the other woman and then teased her, "But we like your food even more."

Gillian cocked her head sideways and looked at Emily wistfully. She remembered the hours in Cal's kitchen she'd spent with the little girl baking cookies and cupcakes while Cal was writing the facial coding manual they'd use to train law enforcement officers in their science. Gillian would love to teach the teenager a few more things about cooking before she left for college, or was that too presumptuous of her? Would Emily think she was trying to replace her mother?

"She'll have the dumplings, Em." Cal said dismissively.

"Hey! I can decide for myself!" Gillian protested.

"Good, then tell me what you'll have, whenever you're ready." Emily smiled. She watched as Foster ran her eyes over the folder, then flipped it over and did the same with the backside. She turned it back to front a couple more times and then sighed.

"I think I'll have #38." She finally mused, thinking she'd outwitted Cal.

"Okay", Emily clicked on the menu tab and scrolled down to item number thirty-eight. She bit back a grin and glanced at Gillian who mentally rolled her eyes. The teenager didn't say anything and she was thankful for that.

"Told ya, she was gonna go with the chicken dumplings." Cal announced as he pushed the loose spreadsheets in front of him into a neat pile.

Gillian gaped. He'd learned _Fung Loom_'s menu by heart? "Just how many times a week do you order from this place?"

"Let me put it this way", Emily beat her father to it, "If take out hadn't been invented, dad would've probably long lost custody of me. What with the tiny part about providing food and shelter for your off-spring."

"Oi! You're living in a very nice house, so I've got the shelter part down", Cal pointed out to her, "Can't do everything at once now can I? And I'm working on the food part!"

"Whatevs, beans on toast do not constitute their own food group", Emily shut him down.

"Well, they should", Cal grumbled quietly, but Emily wouldn't let him interrupt her.

"Says here dinner will be 35-40 minutes. You better start cleaning up your mess." She closed the lid of the laptop and pushed it back to her father. "I'm thirsty, can I get you guys something to drink?" Emily announced and slid off her chair.

"Nope, thank you."

"Just water, please."

"All right, nothing for the gentleman and fresh tap water for the lady." Emily grinned, imitating the voice of an obnoxious waiter at a fancy restaurant. Her father and Gillian snorted in laughter.

Once Emily was out of earshot, Gillian leaned into Cal, "Have you decided how you're going to handle this?"

Cal shook his head, he was still torn how far they should get Emily involved into their plan. "I still don't want to lie to her but I can't ask her in good conscience to lie for us to the agency and social worker."

"I know", Gillian mumbled. She didn't have any solution to offer, either. They'd quickly agreed last night that they wouldn't go through with their plans, if Emily was against it. Then they'd spent the next two hours agonising over whether they should lie to her and let her believe they were really getting married and starting a family or whether they should tell her the truth from the beginning and let her decide if she felt comfortable with the idea of lying to a stranger about the nature of Cal and Gillian's relationship. Caught between a rock and a hard place, didn't come much better than that.

"I don't think she'd forgive me if I'm not upfront with her about this." Cal concluded and Gillian nodded. They were back where they'd left things the night before.

Cal groaned, "But what if I ask her to lie for us and she trips up and this whole thing blows up into our faces? Maybe it's better she doesn't know everything." There was the tiny little detail that if they were found out, it would do irreparable damage to their personal reputation and probably affect their business, too.

She didn't envy Cal the decision he had to make. The selfish part of her just wanted to leave Emily in the dark. That way the teenager couldn't accidentally spill the beans and the fewer people knew the truth, the bigger were their chances of actually going to get away with it. But then her voice of reason kicked in and she knew that Cal was right. They couldn't do this to Emily. If the girl thought she and Cal were serious, she'd get her hopes up for a happily ever after and Gillian knew that was just not going to happen with Cal.

"Know everything about what?" Emily stood in the doorway – a glass of water in one hand, a glass of juice in the other. She took a tentative step into the dining area, "Dad?"

Cal sighed, "Why don't you sit down, so we can talk."

He wished he'd have more time to run this conversation through in his head first. Emily was getting impatient, she'd caught them twice now talking about her behind her back, and Cal knew there was no way she was going to let things rest until after dinner.

"Are you filing for bankruptcy?" She asked timidly.

"What?" Cal looked at her shocked, "No, love. What makes you think that?"

Emily pointed at the stacks of spreadsheets, "You've been pouring over the company finances with Gill all afternoon. I know you, dad, you hate paperwork and the last time you were interested in budget plans was when you bought out mom. It's okay, dad, you can tell me if we're broke."

"We're _not_ broke", Cal reassured her, "but there _is_ something that Foster and I have to tell you…"


	5. Chapter 5

Emily stared speechlessly at the two adults in front of her. Were they drunk? They didn't look like it. They couldn't be serious. Right? Was this the _Twilight Zone_, and she and her dad had reversed their roles? Maybe if she pinched herself real hard, she'd wake up. Nope, no such luck.

Let's see if she got this straight: Apparently, her father and Gillian were planning to get married so he could help her adopt a baby. Once the adoption was through and could no longer be contested, Gillian explained that they would get a divorce because they weren't _really_ getting married. But her dad emphasised that he was _100%_ committed to raising the child _together_ with Gillian, even after the divorce, so she would _really_ have a little brother or sister. There might have been a few other things, but this was a lot to take in at once, and she was sure that was the gist of it and the other stuff minor, negligible details. Like where they'd live or that they were, in fact, going to con at least one local judge and state agency, oh yeah and duping a social worker who'd come and poke her nose around their personal business.

Her first instinctual reaction was to call her mother and ask her whether it was time to incapacitate her father and declare him legally insane. But that would just lead to a whole new series of other problems she'd rather deal without. But they all might need a lawyer anyway if they were going to go through with any of this. Emily was pretty sure this qualified as fraud on some level.

Normally she'd go to Gillian for help, when her father came up with another one of his crackbrain ideas. And this beauty had her father's genius written all over it, she had no doubt about that, but unfortunately it seemed her dad had gotten to Gillian first and conned her into running with him. Emily rolled her eyes and groaned inwardly. Couldn't he have just taken Gill out for dinner, told her he loved her and asked her to marry him like a normal person would?

Her brain registered her name being called a few times and Emily snapped back into reality. Both her father and Gillian were looking at her worried.

"You ok, Em?"

"Yeah, I'm just", she paused, "This is a lot to process…"

"We know, Emily" Gillian spoke up, "You can take all the time you need to think about it. We don't want you to feel pressured in any way to decide one way or another, especially not to please either one of us." She looked over to Cal, who nodded. "I know it's really hard being a teenager when everything around you changes, so if this feels like too much then that's perfectly fine to say no."

The teenager sighed and slumped back into her seat. "Why?"

"Why?" Cal repeated.

"Why now? Why you? Why not with Mark? Why everything? – I'm just trying to understand. You could've waited another two years until I'm in college, then you wouldn't have to ask for my permission."

"That's not true, Em. We'd still want your input then because you'll always be my daughter." Cal felt the need to clarify that and divert the attention away from Mark. This was still a sore spot for Gillian but Emily couldn't know that.

"Thanks, I appreciate that."

"Mark doesn't want to adopt children with me, that's why we broke up." Gillian spoke up and Cal looked at her amazed, "I'm not sure if you know this, Emily, but I can't have children. That's why Alec and I adopted Sophie back then. Your dad knows the whole story, though, so when I mentioned to him what happened with Mark…"

"He threatened to kill him?" Emily quipped and looked to her father for confirmation. He'd better have, what an absolute jackass that guy was! Cal smiled a little at his daughter.

"And then he took it upon himself to personally find a remedy for your situation?" Emily looked at the other woman knowingly.

"You know him too well", Gillian smiled, "always has to play the knight in shining armour."

"More like a rogue in worn-out jeans," Emily shot back and the girls giggled.

"Oi!" Cal called out, "I'm still in the room!"

Emily and Gillian turned to him and looked at him irritated. Great! So that's what it's going to be like from now on? The two girls in his life were now working together to gang up on him at home and at the office? He should've just kept his darn mouth shut! _Marry me, my ass!_

"The truth is, Emily, I've wanted a baby for a very long time, and I can't wait very much longer. This might really be my last shot at adoption. When your dad proposed his suggestion for the first time, I shot him down. I thought he was crazy, just like you did. However, adoption as a single parent is a lot harder than I thought it would be, so when your dad told me his offer was still standing, I thought it couldn't hurt to at least talk about it. So we did talk about it, seriously and for a long time; and the funny thing is we both think we just might make it work. We know it's not going to be easy but we would really like to try this." Gillian explained, "If it's okay with you, that is."

"So you do realise how crazy this all sounds?" Emily inquired.

"Of course, I do." Gillian chuckled, "It's like right out of a _Days of Our Lives_ episode or some other soap on TV."

She wanted to ask her. So badly. She had the words already on the tip of her tongue. _Do you love my dad, Gill?_ Cause if she said yes, then it didn't really matter and all would make sense and work out in the end. All they had to do was iron out the details. But she was scared. What if she said no? Where would that leave her father? Broken-hearted.

The doorbell rang and all three of them turned their heads.

"That's our dinner", Cal stated matter-of-factly.

"I'll get it" Gillian said, which was code for "So you and your father can have a moment or two to talk about everything in private without worrying about hurting my feelings."

"Thanks", Cal said, which was really code for "Thanks for getting the food and giving me a chance to talk with Emily alone to check up on how she really feels." He watched Gillian until she rounded the corner and was out of sight and then turned his attention to his daughter.

"Really, dad?" Emily burst out, once Gillian was out of earshot. "Adoption? That's your plan?" She leaned over and slapped her father's head.

"Ouch!" Cal hissed, "What was that for?"

"If you really have to ask, you deserve another one!" Emily threatened.

"It just came up", Cal threw his hands around in wild gesticulations.

"What, 'I love you, Gill' didn't sound good enough for you, so you had to ask her to marry you and have your babies?"

"Well, no - I haven't actually told her I love her yet"

"No kidding" Emily snorted.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time. What's wrong with you anyway? Not too long ago you told me to ask her out on a date! So I skipped the courting part and went straight for the wedding, big deal!"

Emily scrubbed her hands over her face. Why were all the adults in her life behaving like children half the time? Her father, her mother and now even Gillian had gone off the deep end.

"You need to tell her, dad. She has to know what she's going to get herself into or it will be like mom walking out on you all over again. What if she meets someone and takes the baby with her and cuts you out of their lives because it's getting too weird? What if Mark comes back and decides he wants to have kids with Gillian after all. He wouldn't want you hanging around. There'd be no place for you in her life."

"She wouldn't do that to me."

"She doesn't know you're marrying her because you're in love with her. She thinks this is some kind of business deal for you. Some friendship favour. She won't have second thoughts about leaving you. You _have_ to talk about this before the wedding!"

"Well, the plan is that between the wedding and the divorce Foster will fall in love with me!"

"What if she doesn't? You can't go through with this dad. She has to know. You can't both go into this marriage with a different set of expectations."

"We're not. I'm just… I can't ask her to marry me now, I mean _really marry me_, because I don't think I have that kind of trust from her right now. I need to make up for last year first. But if we do this and Gillian sees what a good husband and father I could be, well, when I ask her for real to marry me, she might be less inclined to say no."

Emily sighed heavily. "She'll break your heart, dad, and you're putting it on display for her, so she can't even miss it when she's gonna stab a knife right through it."

"Have you been talking to your mother lately?" Cal looked at his daughter, "You sound a lot like her, what with all the dramatic metaphors…"

"I'm just trying to warn you. You have to tell her how you feel about her, dad. She needs to know!"

"And what next? Hm?" Cal looked at her, "If Gill knew I was in love with her, she'd never agree to this."

"But that's my point!" Emily insisted and curbed the urge to stomp her foot on the ground.

"You're too young to understand, Em", Cal fell back on his default excuse when he no longer wanted to talk about an issue, "Things aren't always easy when you're an adult."

"Well if _that's_ what it's like to be an adult, then I don't want to grow up." Emily spat, "And stop giving me that crap. I'm not a child anymore. I know very well, what you're doing here."

Cal raised his eyebrows, "Oh you do? Please do enlighten me!"

"You're manipulating Gill, and that's a new low for you. I get it why you do it, you're scared to lose her but, come on, dad! You can't exploit her wish to be a mom only to make sure your and her life will be linked together forever."

Cal gaped at his daughter. How on _earth_ did she figure that one out?

"Has living with mom taught you nothing? If you and Gill are truly doing this because you're friends and you want to raise this baby together as friends, then I'm the last one to say no. Honestly, I'm not even sure why you're putting the burden of the decision on me. If you'd knocked up Gill old school we wouldn't even have that discussion. We'd just be having a baby. Period. But that's not the case. You can't get Gillian pregnant because you're not sleeping with each other because she doesn't even know you love her. Don't you see that you've got it all backwards? You're secretly hoping she''ll fall in love with you and that's, quite frankly, unfair to Gillian because she's got no idea what she's signed up for."

Cal puffed his cheeks and let out a long breath. "This may be hard for you to understand, Emily, one day you'll meet someone perhaps that you just know you can't live without anymore. To me that someone is Foster. I don't care if we're married or just friends as long as I have her in my life. If Gillian told me to my face today that she doesn't love me, it would be terrible, but that wouldn't change the fact that I need her in my life. Even if she told me she could never love me like that, I would still want to do this for her. _With_ her. She deserves to be happy, and this has always been her biggest dream. If I can help make it true, I will. Not because I want to manipulate her but because she's my best friend."

Emily studied her father carefully, and understanding mixed with a little bit of amazement and amusement spread on her face. "You _really_ want to do this."

"I'm gonna be a father to that kid in whatever way or shape or form Gill needs me to be. I'll be as much hands-on as she'd like me to be. We don't need to live together and be together in order to be good parents. Or have I failed you?" He looked at Emily worried.

"No!", Emily was quick to respond. "Of course not, dad, I love you and you're a great dad." They might be teasing each other a lot but never for a minute she would've thought her father wasn't always there for her or looking out for her best interests. Even though she disagreed with him most of the time. But that was the nature of things.

Cal nodded. He'd thought a lot about this in the past weeks. Even if Gillian had adopted a child as s single parent, Cal would have readily and willingly assumed the role of a substitute dad for Gill's child. Just the way she'd done for Emily, when he and Zoe had been too busy fighting each other to be proper parents to their daughter. He'd feed and change nappies and rock that baby to sleep every night if that was what Gillian wanted. Or he'd take the boy out to ball games or went pony riding with the girl on the weekends if that was what Gillian needed from him. Either way, he was going to be involved in the life of Gill's kid, whether they'd be married or really just two friends teaming up to raise a child and give it the best possible start into life it could wish for.

"Oh and dad?"

"Yes?"

"I've decided not to go to college."

"WHAT?" He would've yelled if Gillian hadn't been with the delivery boy at their front door.

"Yep. I'm gonna write a book about this. And then I'll sell the rights for it to some Hollywood studio and George Clooney and Sandra Bullock will play you and Gill on the big screen. And then Hallmark Channel will turn it into a series based on a true story. And I'll retire from the royalties and will never have to lift a finger for the rest of my life."

"I see", Cal sneered, "You're not really a fan of this plan…"

Emily threw her hands up exasperated.

"So you're going not going to help me?" Cal concluded disappointed.

"Don't be silly", Emily rolled her eyes, "of course I'm going to help you. You need a sidekick, if you wanna pull of that crazy plan of yours."


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: I know I haven't been updating this story in what feels like forever. If you're still reading, great, if not, I obviously can't blame you. I just had a really shitty year and no desire whatsoever to write. I'm slowly finding my groove again and I think it's safe to start posting again, though be warned updates will still be irregular. However, the one thing I can promise is that I will finish this story because there's nothing more that I hate than reading a great fic and finding out it's been abandoned. Now, I'm not saying this is a great fic, but I won't leave you guys hanging without closure. I don't know when I'll finish this fic but I have not abandoned any of my fanfics._

* * *

><p>He still wasn't here and the meeting would begin in ten minutes. Gillian's heart sank a little, as she checked her watch again. She should have known. She couldn't even really be mad at him. She'd sprung this surprise on him at the last possible minute but she had hoped he'd prove himself worthy.<p>

She scanned the other people in the room, which was abuzz with curiosity, anxiety and excitement. Hopeful parents from all walks of life waiting for a chance to welcome a troubled child into their home.

Gillian glanced at the big clock in the room. Seven to five and still no sight of Cal. She'd been already waiting for him for half an hour in the little coffee shop on the corner, before she moseyed over to the government building. She'd checked her phone probably a dozen times in those thirty minutes for any messages of Cal. Nothing. She'd left half a dozen messages and texts on his without reply. She had the sinking feeling that Cal wasn't coming after all. She shouldn't be surprised by his reaction, she should have seen it coming the minute she saw the reaction on his face when she'd told him about her plans.

0~0~0~0~0

"How's your lunch?" Cal watched her poking her fork in and out of lettuce leaves.

"It's good", Gillian smiled. It didn't reach her eyes and Cal lost his appetite, too.

"What's going on, love?" He pushed the plate with his sandwich aside and reached for her hand to stop her playing with the plastic fork.

"Nothing." She brushed whatever was on her mind aside.

"Come on, you can tell me." Cal stroked the back of her hand softly with his thumb.

Gillian just looked up at him lost for words.

"What did you do?" Cal raised his eyebrows.

"Isn't that usually my line?" She teased him but the smile still wouldn't reach her eyes.

Cal shrugged his shoulders, "Oh, I didn't know you had it copyrighted."

Gillian rolled her eyes.

"Look, I don't mean to press you and read you but if you don't tell me what's bothering you, you leave me no other choice." Cal replied, "The fact that you're hesitant and can't really look me in the eye right now tells me it has something to do with me. With us. So spit it out." Cal let go of her hand and leaned back, "Come on, if you can't tell your husband, whom can you tell?"

Gillian looked at him amused, "Husband?"

"Don't get hung up on technicalities."

"Have you heard from your lawyer?" Gillian shot back.

Cal shook his head, "Still crossing his ts and you're deflecting, love."

Gillian sighed and dropped her fork, "What are your plans for next weekend?"

"My plans for…" Cal frowned, "I don't know. Depends on the caseload. Why, you have something planned for us?"

Gillian nodded.

"Care to fill me in how we will spend next weekend?" His tone had suddenly taken on a sultry and husky undertone and he leaned back over the table.

"Four."

Cal cocked his head confused. So much for a spontaneous romantic get away.

"It's four weekends actually."

"Alright, so what are we gonna do the next four weekends then?" Cal took a swig from his can and leaned back again.

"Um", Gillian looked around the park, "I know we haven't really sat down and discussed the actual adoption process."

"I've been meaning to but", Cal looked a bit sheepish, "it's all a bit much and rushed and I didn't want to suffocate you with my overbearing presence."

"That sounds like Emily."

"Pleading the fifth", Cal grinned.

This time it was Gillian's hand that reached out across the table and clasped around Cal's. "I know that when and how we adopt will be a decision we have to make together."

"Whatever you want is fine with me," Cal reassured her, "Boy. Girl. Domestic. International. Mixed race. I don't care. This is your dream and I'm here to help you fulfill it."

Gillian pulled back and could see Cal kicking himself mentally for putting his foot in his mouth. Again. It had indeed not been the reaction she'd been hoping for. "I was hoping you'd have some input with regards to the adoption process. I don't want you to wake up in a month and regret it."

Cal just looked at her.

"As the father, and as my partner for that matter, you should have an opinion and a say in the adoption." Gillian continued. "If you can't see how important that is then maybe we should stop before we do any further damage to our lives."

"To Emily."

"What?"

"To Emily you mean. Before we do any further damage to her life. Before we turn her life upside down in this elaborate charade for nothing. That's what you're afraid of after all, aren't you?" Cal tilted his head and studied her face carefully. "You're still afraid that I'm doing this on a whim, that I haven't fully thought through what I'm getting myself into. Well, I have and my decision stands. We can discuss our options over the next four weekends, we can hash out the ups and downs of domestic versus international adoption, infant versus older child adoption, interracial adoption, boys or girls – and I'll gladly talk out everything with you – but the bottom line is in the end I trust your instincts. If you don't feel comfortable with something, then I won't. If you're happy with your decision, how could I rain on your parade?"

"You've been reading up on this haven't you?" Gillian asked surprised.

"Course I have."

Gillian smiled and for the first time that day it reached her eyes. "Will you tell me if something makes you uncomfortable?"

Cal gazed at her quietly for a while. He was reading her face and she knew it. It didn't matter to her at the moment. He realized if he didn't reply honestly right now she'd call an end to their plans immediately. If he wasn't comfortable with something, she couldn't be happy and go through with it. That's how things were and always would be. And if he lied right now, he'd lose her trust forever. "Yes", Cal replied and reached for her hands again. "I promise."

"Good", Gillian squeezed his hands softly, "I've been going through my old adoption folders to brush up my memory on the major steps we have to take and I noticed that my foster-adopt certification ran out."

Cal stared at her blankly. "So we'll get a Lightman adopt certification."

Gillian giggled, "Not like that. Foster-adopt as in the state program to take in foster children and/or adopt them through the DCFS."

"Oh." Cal drew out slowly. The hair on his neck stood up but he couldn't explain why.

Gillian nodded, "Yes. Alec and I got certified to adopt children through the state system a couple of years ago and they only last for a few years. Mine has run out and seeing as you've probably never had a license", she glanced at him for confirmation and he shook his head, "I thought we could do the course to become licensed again together. Explore all our options, keep our doors open…you know… that kind of thing."

_No!_ Everything inside him screamed no. He couldn't explain it but his immediate gut reaction was a drowning no! His brain couldn't offer him any reasonable explanation as to why his instincts resounded with an overwhelming rejection of the idea.

"Sure." He said instead.

"Yeah?" She looked at him unconvinced. "I had to act quickly. I checked their course offerings online last night and found out the next course would be starting next weekend. And then when I called this morning I found out they wouldn't offer it again until next year and that's six months away and they've only one spot left for this one, so I talked the lady on the phone into squeezing us in." The words seemed to rush out of her mouth in one breath.

"It's fine, really", Cal leaned back casually at the same time withdrawing his hand.

"You're sure?"

"Yeah", Cal nodded, "I mean it makes perfect sense to at least check out all our options. We're scientists, after all, and we'd be bad scientists if we didn't do our homework and research."

Gillian breathed a sigh of relief and noticed she'd been holding her breath there for quite some time actually.

"But Gill?"

"Mhm?"

"You gotta stop signing stuff in my name. Seriously."

"I didn't sign anything this time. I just gave them our name and contact details for the course application."

"Fine. Then you have to stop filling out forms in my name. Okay?"

She nodded sheepishly.

"Just talk to me, ok? No more ambushes like that? Promise?"

"I'll try."

0~0~0~0~0

Gillian sighed heavily. Three to five o'clock. Still no sign of Cal. He'd done it again. Just when she'd thought he'd finally gotten his act together to be there for her, he'd run out on her. And worst of all, he'd chosen this moment to let her down. In public. Without any warning. After everything he'd promised her, moon and stars and skies included, he'd abandoned her just as she'd always feared he'd do. She wondered whether she should just hightail it out of the meeting now while she still could. Suddenly she felt the overwhelming urge to drive home and hide in her bedroom forever. She'd trusted him. She'd truly believed him. For a moment she'd let herself fantasize what life with Cal Lightman would be like. Family vacations, holiday seasons, stolen kisses under the mistletoe, movie nights cuddling on the couch. Flashes of Cal in the park mingled into the pictures of their future life together. Cal's nostrils flaring up, barely but enough for her to see, his hand pulling away while at the same time reassuring her everything was fine, his shoulders tensing slightly. It had all been a lie.

"Hi there, I'm Max." A hand appeared in front of her face and waved the images in her mind away.

Gillian looked up a little dazed.

"You alright?" The hand belonged to a somewhat handsome man in his mid thirties whose warm brown eyes looked at her concerned.

"Yeah", Gillian nodded, "Just lost in thought." She took his hand and shook it, "I'm Gillian."

"Nice to meet you, Gillian." He grinned at her, "Mind if I sit here? Not that I have much choice seeing as the only two available seats are to your left and to your right."

"Sure", Gillian laughed, "it's a free country after all." She glanced at the clock on the wall behind Max just as the arm reached five o'clock. It was official. Cal wasn't coming. A man and a woman carrying stacks of brochures and a laptop walked into the room and set up shop on the desk in front of the whiteboard. Gillian watched as the woman hooked up her laptop to the lectern equipment, while the man wrestled with the set up of a flip board next to the desk. It was now or never. She could pretend to use the bathroom and just not come back. Nobody would be none the wiser. But a tiny part of her held out hope that he'd show up any minute now. Tumbling through the door out of breath and in a rush to make it.

"I feel like I'm back in school." Max quipped beside her and nodded to the front of the room. "Do you think we'll have quizzes, too?"

Gillian laughed softly, "Well, I hope you have nice handwriting, so I can copy your answers."

0~0~0~0~0

The door burst open and a frazzled Cal stepped inside, scanning the room, then making a beeline to Gillian on the other side. The desks were set up in a huge U-formation so he ha to squeeze past a few people and around just about all of them to get to the only free seat next to Gillian. He mumbled a quick apology for the interruption of the room but registered that the class had probably not officially begun. There was still a lot of chatter among the participants. Cal glanced at the big clock on the wall, six after five. He'd barely made it. Gillian would kill him anyway, he was sure of it.

"Hi, love", Cal pulled up the empty chair next to Gillian and slumped down. He leaned over, as he draped his arm around her shoulders, and kissed her cheek. "Sorry, I'm late."

"Cal!" Gillian exclaimed surprised and turned around, giving him a curious look. He'd always been one to infringe on people's personal space, but this was even a bit extreme for him. He was practically sitting in her lap. "I was afraid you couldn't make it", Gillian glared at him and then leaned into him, feigning a kiss on his cheek, but whispered in his ear, "What the hell do you think you're doing here?"

"Sorry, you know Loker. Needs to pee every 2 miles like a little girl. Did I miss any of the good stuff?" Cal looked around the room, scanning people's faces until his gaze landed on the guy sitting next to Gill.

"No, you're lucky. They've been setting up shop the last five minutes, but looks like they're about getting ready to start."

"Luck is up for interpretation", Cal mumbled, then glanced at the guy next to Gill who kept roving his eyes over her body. "You look beautiful today, have I told you that?" He ran his hand through her hair and wrapped a lock around his fingers.

Gillian tilted her head and frowned at him. _Stop it_. She knew her look told him everything he needed to know, words had always been unnecessary between them, which came in handy in situations like this. Cal reluctantly pulled his hand back, letting the strand of hair glide softly over his skin.

He pulled himself up and close to Gillian, his mouth next to her ear, "Or what? You'll kill me? I'm already in the doghouse because you thought I'd stood you up. I promise it wasn't my fault. The GPS lost the signal, the maps in my car are like ten years old and Loker can't read 'em anyway, so he made me take a wrong turn. And to top it all off, there was no cell phone reception." He whispered into her ear. "I'm sorry."

"I called you like a hundred times."

Cal shook his head, "Didn't get any of your messages, I swear I tried to call you a couple of times. By the time we got back to the city, I figured I'd save time and drop Loker off at the office and not risk getting pulled over for talking on the phone by the cops."

Before Gillian could reply, the woman at the front desk called everyone's attention and started to introduce herself. Gillian sent Cal a glance that told him he wasn't out of the woods yet.

Right at this moment Cal's phone started vibrate and beep twice with an incoming message. He apologized and quickly reached into his pocket. Two more messages came in, Cal mouthed an apology to the couple running the class, who were glaring at him by now. He turned his phone on silent, but it kept vibrating with every notification that came in and they didn't seem to stop.

Gillian glanced at his display and realized Cal's story about bad reception must have been true after all. All the texts were from her, and she had a good idea who left the messages on his voice mail, for which Cal got the notifications now.

"This is all your fault!" Cal whispered to Gill and nodded towards the irritated woman watching him turn off his phone completely.

"I'm sorry," Gillian whispered back.

"How many times did you try to call me anyway?"

"I'd rather not tell", Gillian mumbled and Cal rolled his eyes. His phone turned off now, he held it up for the teacher to see, indicating he was all done.

"Thank you, Mr Lightman", she knew his name Cal realized and looked slightly flustered, "now that you've honored us with your presence and attention, perhaps we can get started."

Cal closed his eyes. This was going to be a loooong evening.

0~0~0~0~0

Two hours later their first session ended and Cal waited while Gillian put away her stuff. She'd come prepared with pen and pencil, eagerly taking notes. Cal had zoned out after the first five minutes and chose to people watch instead. It wasn't really his fault, the layout of the tables in a big U and resulting seating order just invited it.

There was the young, idealistic couple behind the third desk. High school sweethearts, Cal surmised, still blue eyed and ignorant to the evils of the world. They probably could have children of their own but decided to foster first. Maybe as a kind of dry run? They thought they could make the world a better place by opening up their house and home to a troubled kid that they could save. Oh boy, were they in for the shock of their lives!

Next to them was the gay couple, clasping desperately at this last straw. They had probably been turned down by every agency in the city and so they decided foster-adopt was their last Hail Mary. Cal felt truly sorry for them. They seemed like a nice and decent couple and the kid that would end up with them would have a much easier time than with the fresh-nosed college sweethearts.

And then there was of course _Max_ the prospective "single dad" who wasn't really looking for a child to love but for a woman to pick up. He made Cal's hairs stand on end, not because Max had dared chatting up his Gillian, but he found the idea of praying on single women who were actually there to open up their homes and hearts for children in need sickening. He'd done his fair share of questionable pick up routines, but that one was even too low for him. He didn't understand how Gillian could fall for his nice guy act.

0~0~0~0~0

"Okay, on a scale from 1 to 10, how mad are you at me right now?" Cal asked, as they were exiting the building.

"I'm not mad", Gillian replied as she walked past Cal who was holding the door open for her.

Cal caught up with her quickly and pulled her arm gently to make her stop. "You thought I wasn't coming", Cal stated. Gillian opened her mouth to protest but Cal stopped her, "Yes, you were. Gill", he stepped closer into her personal space, "I'd never do that to you." He brushed his knuckles across her cheek.

"For a minute", Gillian confessed.

"Not only would I never publicly humiliate you like that but more importantly, I would never walk out on you like that." He lowered his arms searching for her hands, clasping his around hers to give them a soft squeeze. "You know that, right? No matter how badly I've mistreated you in the past, I won't let you down like that. You know that. Right?" He added with emphasis, his eyes locked on hers, waiting for an answer.

"Yeah", Gillian mumbled. "I was afraid that it had all been too much too fast for you and you'd run the other way."

Cal smiled, "Funny, I've never pictured myself running from you." He said it like a joke but deep down he knew that if he'd ever run in one direction, it would be running to her. He'd run from Zoë to Gillian, he ran from Emily to Gillian, hell, two or three times he came running to Gillian after things with other women got too serious.

"The instructor hates me!" Cal whined as he walked Gillian to her car.

"What did you expect? Five minutes late and causing a ruckus?"

"And whose fault was that?" Cal frowned at Gill, feigning annoyance, "How many messages did you send anyway?" Cal fished his phone out of his pocket and turned it back on.

"Just a few texts and messages while I was waiting for you at the café", Gillian confessed.

The phone beeped again and Cal looked at the screen, and coughed. He swiped away the notifications, 6 messages and 8 calls. He smirked. 3 messages and calls were mad, 6 messages and 8 calls, not counting the 4 texts she'd also left, meant she'd been a bit worried.

"Can I make it up to you by buying dinner tonight?" Cal asked, "That is unless you'd rather have dinner with _Max_."

"What?" Gillian's head spun around. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh please, that guy was practically drooling all over you, love."

"He wasn't. Wait a moment," Gillian frowned, "Are you jealous?"

"No!" Cal pulled a face, "Just concerned that you're gonna bust our little act if you continue flirting with other men."

"I wasn't flirting with him", Gillian protested. "We were just making small talk until the class began."

"Did he ask you for your phone number?"

"What? No!" Gillian rolled her eyes, "You're seeing ghosts, Cal. And now drop it, or I won't have dinner with you, ok?"

He kept silent for a minute, "Fine. I'll see you at the Italian bistro in half an hour?"

Gillian nodded, while she unlocked her car. Cal watched her get inside and rev the engine, making sure she got away safely, then walked bristly the two blocks over to where he'd parked his car.

"Just talking, my ass." Cal grumbled as he got behind the wheel. He'd pegged that creep right away.


	7. Chapter 7

Sunday evening found Gillian and Emily lounging in the living room, enjoying Sundaes after a delicious dinner. Cal passed on the sweet desert and was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher.

"Thank you for the dinner invitation, Emily, it was delicious." Gillian smiled at the girl.

"You're welcome. Thanks for the help," Emily grinned back. Her father and his partner had returned home late in the afternoon from their workshop session. When Gillian saw that Emily had already started on preparing a meal in the kitchen, she'd literally rolled up her sleeves and joined the girl. Cal had watched them amused and pleased from the barstool he was perched on until the women shooed him out of the kitchen because he was "in the way" and "constantly poking his finger into pots to taste".

"It was fun," Gillian agreed.

"We… could do it more often," Emily looked at her father's friend shyly, "if you wanted."

"I'd love to, Emily." Gillian's bright smile was infectious. That was how Cal found them, when he finally finished in the kitchen and joined them on the couch with a lager in his hand.

"Are you girls plotting against me again?" He asked jokingly.

"Always," Emily replied cheekily. They fell into the kind of comfortable silence only known in close families, where just sitting together was enough. Emily scooted closer to her father and lifted his arm to put it around her shoulder.

"So how was _your_ day, love?" Cal asked. They'd spent the majority of dinner talking about the foster parents workshop; well, technically Emily had grilled them. She wanted to know everything, even asked if she could read the manual, claiming that she'll be taking care of her little brother or sister, too. Gillian had offered to ask if she could come sit in on the sessions, but Emily's enthusiasm quickly faltered when she realized she'd have to sacrifice four weekends. Cal and Gillian sent each other knowing glances and chuckled. Teenagers!

"Oh you know, the usual. We went to the mall." Emily decided now was as good a time as ever to advance her role as wedding planner. "I was hoping to find something nice to wear to your wedding. Have you guys decided on a date yet?"

Gillian's head shot up and she looked at Cal unsure.

"Umm, we haven't really talked about that yet, Em." Cal explained.

"Well, let's talk about it now, go get your calendars, guys. We need to send out invitations and make reservations."

"Emily!" Gillian stopped the younger girl gently. "There'll be no party. Just a small, quick, private ceremony as soon as the marriage license comes through."

"Oh," the teenager sounded disappointed. "Why don't you want to celebrate your wedding?"

"It's not a _real_ wedding, Em." Her father reminded her. "Besides, the less attention we attract, the better. Or people might start asking questions and we'll drown in lies and secrets."

"Your father is right. I don't want to invite family and friends to a fake wedding, I'd rather save the money."

"But…" Emily looked at them forlorn. "I was really looking forward to the ceremony and reception party."

"We'll go out for a nice dinner afterwards, ok?" Cal looked at Emily. "So you'll still get a chance to wear your new dress."

"So you're not gonna tell anyone you're getting married? Not even your mom?" Emily looked shocked at a stunned Gillian.

_Oh shit_! Gillian closed her eyes with a deep sigh. She hadn't thought about that. She _should_ tell her mother, it would be the right thing to do. When she opened her eyes again, they met with Cal's who was looking at her curiously. They needed to have this conversation, but not with Emily around. Sure, Cal's parents were dead, but would he tell Zoë? And should she introduce Cal to her mother before the wedding?

"Are you going to tell mom?" Emily looked at her father.

"Errr… phew…" Cal let out a breath he wasn't aware he'd been holding.

"You better, 'cause I'm not gonna do your dirty work for you." Emily challenged him. "She'll freak out when she learns that you're married to Gill. And she'll be so pissed when she finds out you only married Gill because you're having a baby together, she'll jump onto the next plane to kill you."

"Well, there you have your answer. Maybe it's better we don't tell her at all."

"Are you insane? She'll go ballistics when she finds out later that we lied to her! And that's a definite when and not if. And just how long do you think you can hide your new wife and child from your ex-wife?" Emily put her hands on her hips.

"Fine, fine," Cal held up his hands, "I'll call her some time next week."

"Just tell her you'll get married, but don't mention the adoption or she'll find a way to throw a wrench into your plans." Emily warned him. "Just call her and tell her you and Gill are getting married."

"Oh she'll _love_ that part." Cal sneered and Emily rolled her eyes.

"Seriously, guys!" Emily's impatient voice snapped Gillian back to reality. "You really need to start fleshing out the finer details or your little plan. The wedding is only the beginning. And seeing as you two have neither set date nor location for the wedding, I'd bet my last shirt you haven't discussed your living arrangements at all."

"What do you mean?" Cal frowned confused. What else was there to decide?

"Well, for starters, when is Gillian going to move in with us?"

Gillian's eyes widened in shock. "What?!"

Cal coughed because he'd just taken a sip of his beer, when Emily's question caused him to gasp in surprise.

"You ok, Dad?" Emily turned sideways and patted his back softly, when Cal's eyes started to water, as the coughs wrecked his body. Cal nodded meekly and took a couple of deep breaths so his lungs would settle again.

"Emily, I'm not going to live here with you and your father." Gillian tried to break the news as gently as possible to the teenager. Clearly, Emily, was starting to get attached to the idea that they were going to play family, and in a way they were, but she didn't want anyone's feelings to get hurt. It was better to maintain their distance from each other.

"Ohh," Emily nodded in understanding, "I can understand that you don't want to live in the same house mom and dad used to live together. That must be awkward." The young girl hadn't thought about that part. She'd been too busy already mentally converting the guest room into a nursery.

"That's not it, Emily. Honestly, I hadn't even thought about that." Gillian admitted. "Remember, your dad and I aren't really getting married, there's no need for us to live together."

_Oh._ Emily blushed. _Right, they weren't probably gonna share her father's bedroom anytime soon. Dammit, she'd really counted on Gillian living with them, so she could push the two adults closer together._ "You can have the guest room, at least until we need it as the nursery. That way you won't have to share with dad."

"How about we cross that bridge when we get there?" Gillian offered hesitantly.

"Won't the adoption agencies become suspicious if you're married but live at two different addresses?" Emily frowned.

_Damn that kid and her logic._ Gillian countered, "We'll just list your dad's address on the application."

"What about the home study?" Cal suddenly asked and joined back in the conversation. "Didn't you say we have to have our home study done for DCFS soon? What are they gonna think if you don't live here?" Cal may have just found his in to get Foster to move in with them.

"Well, their visits are usually announced, so we can just pretend I live her, when they show up."

"No way," Cal protested, "There's no way I'm gonna lug half your furniture and clothes and decoration stuff across the city to make it look like half on attempt of two people sharing this space only to lug them all back once they're gone. You're either in, or you're out, Foster, 'cause they'll smell a rat a mile away, if we just make it _look_ like you live here."

"Okay, okay, I'll move into your guestroom and spice up your living room with some of my knickknacks, though I have no idea when I'll get around to it."

"Weekend?" Emily offered.

Gillian shook her head, "Can't, remember your dad and I have the foster program workshop the next three weekends."

"Why don't you take off some time at work?"

Gillian shook her head, "I thought we're gonna fix our finances, not fix our books."

"I didn't mean it that way. But would it kill you to leave work at 5pm like normal people with an office job, so you can go home and pack a little every evening?"

"I can help!" Emily offered her services.

"Thank you, Em, but you have to do your homework."

Cal looked at Gillian expectantly. "Come on, you know if anyone at the firm deserves to step back a little, it's you. If people ask you or give you shit about playing hooky, send them to me and I'll explain how we have to put you on furlough for a few hours a day because we can't afford you."

"And then we'll move my stuff after we're done with workshops?"

"For example, or I can pick you up on Saturdays, put a box or two into the trunk of my car and then we'll come here after the workshop, you get to set up your guest room or put some of your knickknacks next to mine, I can free a shelf for you, so you can bring your favourite books."

"What if I bring romance novels?"

"Then it'll truly look as if you lived here because no social worker is ever going to believe me that I read romance novels." Cal grinned at her.

"So we start moving my stuff her little by little."

"Yeah and you can sleep over on the weekends to get used to your new room. And the week after you get to pack up a few more boxes of your stuff, we'll bring them to my place, well our place, and again you can unpack while you stay for the weekend."

"I think dad is right on. We have to make it look believable to the social worker, and the best way to do that is have you live with us. Then you'll know where all the stuff is in our house, you won't feel awkward when you get up to get a glass of water in the kitchen because it will be your kitchen, too, etc."

"And when the social worker comes to interview us, we'll move some of your stuff into my bedroom for the day of the visit. We'll explain that we'll turn the guest room into a nursery, once our adoption comes through."

_And what will we do when we actually have a baby, then what?_ _I sleep on the couch, or better yet in the same bed as you?_ Gillian wanted to ask him. He was right. They both were and she really had nothing to hold up against their logic. They couldn't all live at her apartment, the agencies and social workers would want to see them living together under one roof, so there was no way around her moving in.

"Fine, but I'll keep my apartment." Gillian insisted.

"Of course, you can keep it. Maybe we'll sublet it with your furniture to make a little extra money."

Gillian looked hesitant.

Emily jumped in, "Or you'll just keep it and go hide there when dad grates too much on your nerves." Cal shot his daughter a disapproving look.

"I'll think about it, ok?"

"Great." Cal echoed at the same time as Emily exclaimed, "Cool!" The slapped their hands in a high-five gesture, grinning mischievously at Foster. Something told her she'd come to regret her decision before the process of moving her into Cal's house was over.


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: So glad to see people are still reading and enjoying this story. Thanks to everyone for the great reviews, they've been a nice incentive to write another chapter. That being said, still don't own _Lie To Me.

* * *

><p>Gillian crossed the hallway and used the short cut through Cal's study into his office. She thought she'd heard him come back but hadn't actually seen him. She called out his name and stuck her head into his study. When she got no reaction, she slipped through the sliding doors.<p>

"Oh good, you're back!"

"Jesus effin' Christ! Gill! You almost gave me a heart attack!" Cal jumped two feet in the air and grabbed his chest. He looked so comical, Gillian couldn't help but chuckle.

"You ok or do you need a bypass… or two?"

"I'm fine." Cal ran his fingers through his hair. "What are you doing sneaking up on me through the backdoor anyway?"

"I thought I'd heard you come back. In all fairness, I did call your name, you just didn't hear me." She watched Cal as his breathing calmed down and his tense muscles finally relaxed. "Actually I wanted to ask you if you'd like to join me for lunch, but looking at you now, I think you need a nap first." She teased him.

"Nah, I'm good. Where do you want to go?" Cal looked at her and only now realized she'd been hiding her hands behind her back when she pulled them out to produce two brown paper bags.

"I was hoping you'd ask. I got us some sandwiches from the deli around the corner." She jiggled the bags. "It's such a nice day, I thought we could take our lunch break at the park."

"You mean like a picnic?" Cal looked unconvinced.

"We can sit on a bench if you're afraid of ants crawling all over your roast beef."

"I don't know, it's hot outside." Cal pulled his mouth, "Why don't we just eat it in the break room here?"

Gillian took a few steps closer to Cal and lowered her voice, "Because I want to talk to you in private and you know if we stay here for our lunch break, the kids will need something from us every five minutes."

Cal cocked his head interested. That was the first time she'd referred to Loker and Torres as kids, usually she shot him a slight glare when _he_ did that. Maybe Loker had been getting on her nerves this morning, while he'd been out with Torres.

"Alright, but you better spring for a soda, too." Cal rolled his eyes.

0~0~0~0~0

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this", Cal grumbled as he carefully unwrapped his sandwich. He looked around. Apparently they had not been the only ones to take advantage of the sunny day, half of D.C. seemed to be taking their lunch break with them in the park.

"It helps that you're always hungry and easily bribed with food," Gillian quipped, while she handed him a plastic bottle of water. He tore his gaze away from the people around them and accepted the item with a grateful nod.

"You cheated", Cal pointed at the small lunch box cooler resting at her feet, "You planned this when you left in the morning."

Gillian shrugged her shoulder, "Never said I didn't play dirty." She leaned back and bit into her sandwich.

Cal swallowed and grinned, "Always knew you weren't really a good girl. What's next? You'll lure me into your bed with a trail of bread crumbs?"

Gillian laughed out loud. "That would be the _adult_ version of Hansel and Gretel. Besides, I don't have a gingerbread house in the woods. You on the other hand", she reached out to his chest to brush off the crumbs already accumulating on his shirt, "have the eating habits of a five-year-old."

Cal watched her amused. He secretly loved it when she fussed over him like that. Nine out of ten times he complained about her mothering and it did really irk him, but when she did something like that… all he wanted to do was press his lips on hers and steal a kiss. He liked it when she touched him. He liked it even better when he touched her, but there were only so many times in a day he could get away with it without rousing her suspicions. Sometimes he secretly hoped she used her mothering as a pretense to touch him. That she secretly enjoyed touching him as much as he did her.

"I don't even know why we're adopting, since I've got you to look after." Gillian rolled her eyes and leant back, satisfied he looked presentable enough again.

And then she said something like this and dealt his ego the worst kind of blow. Was there anything less romantic than being compared to a child by the love of your life? With one pre-emptive strike she managed to dash all his hopes and dreams. Oh, if only wishes were horses... but she didn't love him… not like that anyway. A sigh travelled through his chest, as he wondered how he could make her fall in love with him.

"Do you think that's ever going to be us?" Gillian's voice shook him out of his thoughts.

"Huh?" He looked at her confused.

"That," Gillian nodded at a playground in the distance. Cal followed her gaze. They watched a young couple with a toddler and an older boy climbing around on the monkey bars. They looked to be in their late twenties and idiotically happy. The husband was obviously smitten with his young wife who seemed to simply adore him.

"Them?" Cal turned his head and studied Gillian carefully, "I don't know… you never look at me like _that_. How come? Don't you like my rugged good looks?" He broke out into a teasing grin.

Gillian snorted, "That's not what I meant."

"Oh, so it's two kids you want now?" Cal slouched back.

"Come on, Cal, I'm serious." She glanced at him amused, "Can you see us doing that on a Sunday afternoon two years from now?"

"Yeah," Cal looked at her and palmed her cheek, "absolutely." Maybe she really wanted this, _them_, **him**!

She covered his hand with hers and wrapped her fingers around his. He tilted his head and leaned in closer. His eyes darted around, studying her face. It made her heart flutter and catch her breath. The way he looked at her… no it couldn't be… it had an eerie resemblance to the expression they'd just seen on the wife's face. She must have imagined it. It was already gone again, and he would've never allowed her to see it. "Can't wait to spend my Sunday afternoons with you and the little one at the park instead of the office."

"Promise?" All of a sudden she felt the inexplicable need for reassurances from him, wanted that look back on his face. She had no idea where that feeling came from; all she knew was that with Cal at her side, she knew she could conquer the world. It was confusing and comforting at the same time. It was she after all, who had insisted that both of them could get a divorce if they met someone else after the adoption was final. Now the thought of Cal leaving her for another woman raised her hackles. She wanted that family with him. She wanted forever.

Cal studied the change in expression on her face. He didn't see any clear signs of arousal and yet he noticed the shallow breaths and raised pulse. Something must have upset or at least excited her.

"Cross my heart, hope to die." He pressed his lips softly on her other cheek. Gillian closed her eyes and nestled the other cheek against Cal's palm. How was it possible that such a mere and simple gesture from him could provide her with so much strength and security?

Tell her, a voice inside his head screamed. Tell her, you love her, before the moment passes.

"Not going anywhere, love," were all the words that made it across his lips. He rested his forehead on her temple and Gillian sighed deeply. They stayed that way quietly until Cal's cell phone started to ring.

With a sigh, Cal pulled away from Gillian, while he reached into his pocket to fish out his phone. He checked the display and glanced at Gillian quickly, explaining, "It's my lawyer," before he accepted the call.

Gillian watched his face carefully, trying to glean some information from Cal's expressions but he had his mask firmly in place as always. Occasionally he would nod and glance at Gillian, but returned his attention back to the call immediately.

"And you're sure?" Cal asked and Gillian tried to analyze his voice pattern for a positive or negative reaction. "No, no, I understand. Yeah, she's right here." Cal glanced at Gillian again, who raised her eyebrows curiously. "Okay, I'll tell her. Thanks, Raymond, for doing this so quickly, I really appreciate it." Cal ended the call and looked at Gillian.

"And?" She prompted him, when he didn't say a word.

"Call Heidi and cancel all our appointments for this afternoon."

"Why, what happened?" Gillian began to worry. They'd gotten in touch with Cal's lawyer first thing Monday morning after their heart-to-heart to explain about their wedding plans. He'd promised to look into immigration laws but reassured them that there shouldn't be any problems. That was over a week ago, and aside from Raymond sending them a couple of power of attorney forms, which they'd both signed and Cal dropped off the next day along with other requested legal documents, they hadn't had any contact.

"We're getting married, love!"

"What?!"

"Well, technically we're only applying for our marriage license but it's our first step."

"I don't understand. We haven't heard from him in days, I'd started to worry something might be wrong."

"Yeah, me too but turns out Ray took a few extra steps to plan for any eventualities. He requested expedited copies of our birth certificates for both of us and made notarized copies of them and our divorce decrees."

"So that's what all the paperwork was for," Gillian replied.

"Mhm, said we might not even need all of it, but it was better to be safe than sorry. Now call Heidi to reschedule the meeting with the new client, while I clean up our litter. We can walk over to Ray's office from here, it's only a few blocks."

Cal rose from the bench and quickly picked up the sandwich wrappers and plastic bottles. He noticed Gillian was still not moving, instead staring ahead dazed. He rolled his eyes amused and pulled his phone out again. He gave Heidi a quick call, explaining that they were following up some important lead on another case and had to reschedule the meeting this afternoon. He didn't even wait for Heidi to protest and turned off his phone, shoving it back into his pocket.

He knelt in front of Gillian and looked at her concerned. "Gill?"

She didn't react.

"Foster?" He brushed back the loose hair strand hanging into her face, "Love, you alright?"

"Mhm." She looked at him amazed, "It's getting real, isn't it?"

Cal nodded, "Very real. If you've got doubts, you gotta put on the brakes now."

Her lips spread into a smile that lit up her whole face. "No doubts." She hugged him fiercely and almost knocked him over in the process. He hadn't been prepared for her reaction and struggled to regain balance.

0~0~0~0~0

"Do you have it?"

"Yes! I didn't lose it in the past five minutes since you asked the last time." Cal smiled at her and thought exasperatedly, _For the hundredth time_.

"I saw that!" Gillian huffed and pointed at his eyes. "You're slacking."

"Would you like to see the documents again?" Cal offered her the manila envelope. "Perhaps check the spelling?"

"Do I need to check if you can spell your name correctly?" she teased him.

Cal put his arm around her shoulder, "Relax, Foster. It's gonna be fine." He opened the envelope and pulled out one item after another, "My divorce papers, your divorce papers, your copy of the birth certificate and mine." He reached for his wallet to get his driver's license.

"Hang on", Gillian pulled the documents into her lap and stared at Cal's birth certificate. She brushed her fingers softly over the script, then looked at him amused, "Caldonius?!"

Cal rolled his eyes and took his arm off her back. "What?"

"Seriously?" Even though it was an official document they had had just notarized she had a hard time believing, "Your name's actually Caldonius?"

"That a deal breaker?"

"No!" She snorted. "Course not. I just always thought your real name was Caleb or Calvin or something. Who names their kid Caldonius?"

"My mum's family came from Scotland originally." Cal said quietly.

"I'm sorry." Gillian sobered up and apologized.

"Nah, it's ok."

"I should've known."

"It's okay, really. I hate it. I much prefer Cal, which still sucks for a name, but doesn't get your ass kicked on the playground nearly half as many times as Caldonius." He smiled at her.

"I guess that means no Cal jr." Gillian teased him.

"Heavens no! Lets give our kids proper names shall we?"

"Like?"

"I don't know." He shrugged his shoulders. He hadn't really thought about names yet.

"What would you have called Emily if she had been a boy?"

Cal thought for a minute trying to remember, "I think we had narrowed it down to Michael or Matthew." Cal laughed out softly, "For some reason Zoë was really into the Ms for boys names."

Gillian leaned back and a little into Cal, closing her eyes. "Michael Lightman. Matthew Lightman. I like those. They've got quite a nice ring, don't you think?" She opened her eyes and shot him a glance.

Cal shrugged casually and then asked her softly, "What about you? Did you ever think about names?"

Gillian sighed deeply, "Not really. Alec and I didn't want to jinx it, so we waited with names until after we got the baby."

Cal nodded slowly. He'd seen it. Of course he did. She didn't even know why she kept doing it in front of him. A matter of habit, probably. He didn't call her on it, though. He was clearly trying to respect the boundaries she'd put up between them. Of course she'd thought about it. Like most women, she'd spent a considerable amount of time day dreaming about her perfect white wedding and names for her perfect 1.2 children.

"Lucas." She whispered.

"Huh?" Cal looked at her confused.

She cleared her throat and repeated with more confidence. "Lucas. If I had had a boy, I would've named him Lucas."

"Lucas Foster," Cal tested out and smiled, "that sounds really nice, I like it a lot."

"Look at us, we're not even married yet and already mentally filling out his birth certificate."

Cal just smiled in response and they sat in quiet for a while, staring ahead at the bright red digits on the displays over the counters. 79. They were 87.

"Cal?"

"Mhm?" He turned his head to look at her.

"We won't actually get to fill out his or her birth certificate." Gill's mood sobered up considerably.

They both swallowed down a lump forming in their throat in silence as they watched the number jump from 79 to 80.

"So am I right to assume you've decided you want to adopt an infant or newborn?" Cal questioned her.

Gillian shrugged her shoulders, "That's what I actually wanted to talk about with you at the park. We really need to discuss our options soon, if we want to get started on applying as soon as we're married."

"I'd like for you to have a baby and experience the whole motherhood thing." Cal smiled at her wistfully as he clasped his hand around hers. "I know it's not really the same, since Emily isn't really yours, but you've helped raise her since grade school. More so since she became a teenager. But you never got to rock her to sleep, feed her, snuggle with her and smell that baby scent after you've changed her diaper. And I want you to have these moments with our child because they're just awesome experiences."

Gillian turned her hand under Cal's grip, so she could lace her fingers through his. "You're a sweet man, Cal Lightman."

He leaned in closer, as if he was going to kiss her. Gillian's eyes and heart fluttered, as she gauged his eyes. They were changing colors, as the green spread around in his irises. She'd never noticed that before and wondered what it meant. Did it relate in anyway to Cal's emotional side?

"Just stating a truth. You'll be a wonderful mother and I can't believe I'm going to be the lucky guy who gets to watch you hold our baby." Then he pulled back and stretched out his legs. The moment was lost. They looked for the counter just as it changed from 82 to 83.

A ridiculously young couple rose from their seats and Cal wondered about their parents. He'd have a fit if Emily got married that young. Not that there was anything wrong with marriage, even though he'd failed at it, but he cited his own marriage as the example par excellence that getting married young and inexperienced in life only lead to divorce. He thought about what kind of man Emily would eventually bring home and introduce as her fiancé. His little girl would be someone else's wife. A new name. A new life.

"Gill?"

"Mhm?"

"I want our kid to have my name," Cal confessed and looked at her expectantly.

She studied his face for what seemed the longest minute of Cal's life. He'd understand it, if she wanted the baby to have her name, after all they were primarily doing this so she could have a baby. It would certainly make things less awkward when Gillian divorced him, but then again.

"I want her or him to know she's as much mine as she's yours."

She didn't say anything. She just gauged him carefully for a long while.

"If it's okay with you…" He added.

She smiled, "Ok."

"Yeah?"

Gillian nodded, "Well, I certainly don't want our kids to have Alec's last name."

Cal cocked his head, "Then why've you kept his name?"

Gillian shrugged her shoulders, "It's different, Alec and I have a history, but _our_ kids will have no connection to him at all. Besides it was more of a professional choice. Most of my publications are under my married name."

He nodded in understanding.

"Would _you_ like me to take your name?" She asked him blushing and suddenly feeling very shy. With Alec it had never been a question, he was traditional and she was enough of a post-feminist that she could embrace the side of her that wanted to shout out to the world she'd found a partner in life without feeling that she's becoming his property. She was in love and she thought of taking Alec's name as a big romantic gesture.

"I haven't really thought about that. I mean it would make things complicated at work with two Drs. Lightmans working there. Clients might be confused about which one of us they'll be dealing with. Besides, if you'll take my name, we can't hide our marriage at work."

"I don't want Loker and Torres finding out about us yet." Gillian agreed.

"They're probably already poking their noses into business that ain't theirs." Cal rolled his eyes and they both chuckled.

"Lucas Lightman," Gillian let the name roll off her tongue with a grin after a while.

"I don't know," Call pulled a face, "not a huge fan of alliterations."

Gillian rolled her eyes and shook her head. She'd get him to reconsider; she had her ways.

"I want our kid to know we're a family." Cal explained, "I want her to know that I'm her father. No matter what happens."

"Cal, you should be the first one to know it takes more than a name to be a father."

"I know but when he or she is older and starts asking questions…what kind of message would it send, if she or he doesn't have my name? Sorry kiddo but only my first born and biological child gets to have my name?"

Again Gillian kept silent and just looked at him for a while. It started to make him feel self-conscious. He wanted to tell her to stop doing it. He wondered if that's what it felt like for other people when he scrutinized them.

"You're going to make a great dad for our baby," she smiled and patted his hand.

"I better! There's really no excuse for getting it wrong the second time around." Cal cracked up and immediately wished he hadn't said anything, when he saw Gillian's frown.

She wanted to slap him. Why did he always feel the need to crack a joke when things got serious and emotional between them? She hated that about him and she wanted to call him on it. She didn't know why it always bothered her so much. It wasn't like they were in a relationship where she had the right to nag him to let her in. They were just friends, and Cal tried. He really did. He'd become a lot more open with her than in the first years of their friendship. She thought back to a conversation with Zoë not too long ago, where the other woman told her to keep an eye on him. It made her wonder how much Cal had let Zoë into his heart for real. She wondered whether she had more access to Cal than his wife, well now ex-wife.

"85." Gillian noted, "We're up soon."

"I hope we get the nice one at counter #4. #6 is really prissy."

Gillian laughed out loud, "Would you at least try to keep your temper in check and not annoy the one person who'll grant us a marriage license? We're in to our knees as it is."

"Can you believe people are still stupid enough to get married in throngs so we actually have to wait? You'd think by now people were smart enough to dodge that bullet."

"Hey!" Gillian elbowed him.

"What?" Cal looked at her wide-eyed and whispered, "We're only getting pretend-married, so we don't really count among the stupid."

"Oh gee, thank you very much."

"You're welcome."

"Do you have cash?"

" 'scuse me?"

"For the fee. Remember they only take cash!"

"I thought you were going to pay!" Cal replied calmly.

"What?" Gillian panicked, "I thought you said…"

Cal broke out into a shit-eating grin, which earned him a hard slap on the shoulder.

"You're impossible, you jerk!"

"Relax!" He told her, "If you keep treating me like a child, I'll start acting like one."

She put her hands on her hips, "You got that wrong, it's the other way round. As long as you're acting like a child all the time, I'll keep treating you like one!"


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: _Thank you all for the continuous encouragement and support with this story. I'm so glad people are still interested and new readers discover this silly little story. Updates may be a bit slow from time to time, since occasionally a little idea strikes my fancy and I have to figure out how to fit the scene into the overall storyline. I don't want to proceed with the narrative and then go like "Damn, I wish I had written that three chapters ago." This is one such recent inspiration that came to me last week. There's a lot of talking and introspective scenes so far, but don't worry the action and speed will pick up in a few chapter. I hope I have some surprises in store for you that will hit you from left field in a_ good _way_._ I apologize for any typos and mistakes, I'm flying beta-free here, and lately my brain has been on strike grammar-wise. Oh and the usual disclaimer applies. Do you really think I'd be writing fan fiction if I could make a living in Hollywood as a screen playwright? Yeah, right..._

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><p>"We're here," Cal announced as he killed the engine. Gillian looked out of the passenger window and took in the small mansion.<p>

"I've missed this." Gillian turned her head back to look at Cal.

"White Victorian-style mansions?" He frowned slightly confused. Was she dropping a hint that she did actually want them to buy a Victorian house to move in together after all?

Gillian laughed out softly, "No, silly. Working with you. I've missed working cases with you. Torres is fun and Loker can be helpful with his fountain of seemingly useless trivia every once in a while… but working with you, that's what I like most."

"Kind of reminds you of the old days when it was just the two of us against the world." Cal smiled wistfully. He'd made an executive decision after their marriage license application that he'd pair himself with Gillian from now on to make talking about the logistics easier. Besides, if Loker and Torres hadn't learned how to do the job by now, they'd never will. And he had missed working with Foster, too. Like _really_ missed it.

"Do you think Loker and Torres will get suspicious if we no longer train them on a short leash?"

"Nah, we've sent them out on their own before."

"Yeah but we paired them with us because we didn't want to work so closely together anymore. Surely this didn't go by unnoticed by them." Gill reminded him.

"So they'll think we've made up for good. We have been getting along again since Claire's death and worked cases together. If you hadn't started dating Mark, I would have partnered us up again for good much sooner." Cal explained. "Now let's go and find out what it is exactly that Mr. Cutter wants from us." He reached for the door handle to get out of the car.

Gillian undid her seatbelt slowly, glancing curiously at Cal out of the corner of her eye. His words floated around in her head. What exactly did he mean when he said that if it hadn't been for Mark, they'd partnered up again sooner? Sure, she knew that there was no love lost between Cal and Mark, but why would her ex-boyfriend have a role in whether or not Cal and she worked together? Gillian grabbed her purse just as Cal opened the door on her side. He must have walked around the car and grown impatient.

"You coming, Foster?" He stuck his head in, trying to read her face. His curiosity was barely tampered when he saw confusion spread all over her face. She looked up at him, her head slightly tilted, and gazed into his eyes curiously. They stared at each other for a few moments, before Cal cleared his throat. He wasn't usually one to break down in a staring contest first, but they _did_ have that appointment and they _were_ already running a few minutes late.

"Yeah," Gill nodded quickly and moved her legs out the door. Cal couldn't help but stare at her long and well-toned legs that appeared from underneath her skirt. God, he loved summer. He really did. The view was never better. He swallowed quickly before he'd start drooling and reached out his hand to help her out.

She looked at him amused. Oh, he was so busted. She'd totally noticed he'd been checking her out. Again. He always did. But instead of throwing a flirty comeback at him as she usually did, she just looked at him intently and then brushed past him.

Cal let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding and closed the door swiftly. He pressed the button on his car fob to lock the doors while he quickly caught up with Foster.

0~0~0~0~0

"Excuse me?" Foster looked at the older man who was sitting across the coffee table from them. Had she just heard right?

Cal sent her a slightly disapproving glance and focused on their new client. "Why don't you start at the beginning, Mr. Cutter? What makes you think your son murdered his girlfriend?" Oh this was going to be lovely. Father accused his estranged son of homicide… that should make for some interesting interviews and family dynamics.

"Paul has always been a hothead, you see. I must admit it is absolutely my fault. My wife was the only one who could handle him, and after she died… well, I'm afraid I wasn't the best father to become a single dad. Paul and I never connected really well." He looked apologetically at Gillian. "I'd been too busy building my business empire when he was little. I was an absentee father. I think he blamed me and resented me for his mother's death. So he started lashing out, at me, at the world, at everything. He got in with the wrong crowd, started doing drugs, drinking too much."

"That doesn't necessarily make you a killer," Gillian pointed out.

"No, of course not. But Paul… he called me a few weeks ago. Said he was in trouble. I'd assumed he needed money so I turned him away. Turns out he was seeing this girl, a college student really, four years his junior. She'd accused him of date-raping her, made a big scene in front of his apartment until the neighbors called the police."

"So they arrested Paul?" Cal followed up.

"Yes, but they released him after a few hours. They couldn't corroborate the girl's story, Paul's friends gave him an alibi and nobody else really saw anything."

"Let me guess a few days later the girl ends up dead." Cal asked drily.

Cutter sighed deeply and nodded. "The collegiate rowing team found her body in the river during morning practice two days later. ME ruled the death accidental/possible suicide."

"I don't understand, if the ME didn't find anything suspicious why is this still a homicide case?" Gillian interjected.

"It isn't. The police aren't really pursuing the investigation. They hauled in Paul for questioning when the body was discovered but he alibied out again and when the ME didn't rule it a homicide they closed the case."

"Mr Cutter, if your son isn't currently under investigation or charged with anything, why are we here?" Cal asked.

"Because I have my suspicions…" he stopped and looked at Gillian ashamed. "You must think I'm a horrible father to accuse him of murder. I just… I don't think it was an accident. It may have been a suicide. The girl maybe killed herself because no one would believe her my son raped her. Or…" He heaved another sigh and looked Cal straight in the eye, "Or Paul killed her to shut her up because he raped her."

"So you think your son raped his girlfriend?" Cal asked to clarify.

"If the police didn't arrest him, what makes you think he did it?" Gillian threw in.

"Because he did it before, ten years ago. Paul was fifteen when he forced himself onto our old housekeeper. I don't know all the details of the girl's accusations against Paul but the few things I learned from our lawyer they… um… they triggered familiar memories."

"So Paul has already been convicted of rape once?" Gillian inquired further.

Cutter shook his head, "No. Our old housekeeper didn't file charges."

"You let him get away with rape?" Cal looked at the man incredulously.

"Please, Dr. Lightman you have to understand. He was my son. He was fifteen and confused. He had so much pent up anger inside him after his mother's death, he wasn't himself. I'm his father; I had to protect him! Juvenile detention would have made things only worse. Hillary, our housekeeper, she'd been with us since Paul was born. I didn't force her; I swear it was her decision not to report it. I didn't buy her silence or anything. And after the incident, I realized Paul was beyond my control so I enrolled him at a boarding school specializing in troubled youths. Hillary left us, of course, and I recommended her to good acquaintances for a position. I can get you in touch with her, if you need to speak to her."

Gillian laughed out loud, "That's rich. You let him get away with rape as a teenager but are ready to turn him in for murder now?" She liked the case less and less and she shot Cal a glare to convey her disgust with this client and case.

"Dr. Foster, I need to know if my son raped and killed that girl. I don't want him to go to jail, but if Paul is guilty then he needs help. If he killed that poor girl, it'll be my fault because I didn't stop him ten years ago."

"Well, I'm sure the women your son assaulted and harassed in the meantime will be very glad to hear that!" Gillian steamed.

"Dr. Foster, please understand. I was only trying to do the right thing by my son. I know I made a terrible mistake but I'm willing to take the responsibility now. I have to stop Paul, before other girls get hurt. I can't live with myself, if I raised a murderer and rapist."

"With all due respect, sir, you _did_ raise a rapist." Cal replied harshly. "You don't know how many women Paul has hurt since, not all may have had the courage to come forward and report it. Did any of his previous girlfriends go missing?"

"No!" Cutter shook his head vehemently, "Nothing since the incident in his teenage years. Except for two years ago, Paul was drunk and hit his ex-girlfriend. We settled it out of court though, no formal charges were pressed."

Cal wanted to shake his head. He'd seen Gillian's disapproval and couldn't agree more. As fascinating he'd been with the case at first, he wasn't sure he wanted to help a rich kid get off yet again. There was little doubt in his mind that Paul Cutter raped and killed his girlfriend. "Mr. Cutter, I'm afraid we're the wrong people for the job."

"20,000. All I ask is that you do your thing and tell me afterwards if Paul is innocent. Just keep the police out of it. Please, Dr. Lightman, I need to know if my son is guilty so I can get him the help he needs and keep him away from society."

Damn. 20,000 bucks was a lot of money. Money they could really use to keep the company out of the red. He glanced at Gillian, who'd been on the fence all through the interview. Another reason he didn't want to take the case. She obviously felt so strongly about this case, he didn't want to trade their recently rekindled partnership for a wad of cash.

Gillian looked at Cal torn. They could really use the money. It would help a long way to provide financial stability in their books, which they needed for the adoption applications. It was only one interview, a few hours of their time at most.

Cal shook his head barely noticeable. _It's not worth it; we don't need blood money_. Gillian smiled timidly and then gave him a simple, sharp nod. Cal raised his eyebrows surprised.

"We agree to the interview on one condition," Gillian turned to Cutter in a cold and business-like fashion, "$15,000 but we can't promise to keep the police out. If we think your son either killed or raped his girlfriend, we're required by law to report it."

Cal smiled internally. Foster had just shaved of $5,000 dollars off their bonus in her counteroffer to keep their integrity intact. $20,000 would have been nice but he had no complaints. $15,000 was still $5,000 more than they usually charged for a small but proper investigation and all he had to do this time is sit down for a staring contest with some spoilt brat.

Gillian watched Cutter senior who was quietly mulling over her counter offer. She could understand that the father wanted to keep his son out of jail, but she would have no hand in letting a serial rapist and possible killer walk free on the streets, if she could help it. He was going to make a counter offer she realized. Cutter was trying to figure out how much he'd have to raise his offer to get them to keep the cops out. Not going to happen. Gillian spoke again with more resolution, "It's our final offer, Mr. Cutter. Take it or leave it."

"Fine. $20,000 and you'll hold back on reporting your findings to the police if Paul's guilty. Instead you'll allow my son to turn himself in, so our lawyer can work out a plea deal in his favor. I give you my word I'll make him turn himself in, if your findings say he's guilty."

Gillian turned her head to Cal away from Cutter. She mouthed, "I can live with that."

"Deal!" Cal exclaimed and stepped forward to seal the offer with a handshake. "20,000 plus any expense we may incur during the investigation. We'll need anything you have on the recent allegations and we need the details of 'the incident' as you like to call it, in written form. Have your lawyer get a statement from your housekeeper and any other witnesses. He should also obtain the girl's police reports and statement. Please stop by our office soon to set up the contract and appointment for your son's interview."

0~0~0~0~0

"You're awfully quiet," Cal noted when they were back in the car and on their way back to the office. "You ok?"

"Yeah," she shrugged.

"You _did_ want us to take the case, right? I mean, I didn't do anything wrong did I?"

"No, Cal," Gillian sighed, "it's not you."

"Wanna tell me what's going on inside that pretty head of yours or do I have to pull over and read you?"

"What a screwed up family!" Gillian finally shared.

"You can say that again!" Cal harrumphed. "I feel a bit sorry for the father because he tried to protect his son and now he has to pay for his mistakes. But really? Why do rich people always think they're above the law? If he had turned in his son, or even if just his housekeeper had pressed charges, Paul would have been properly dealt with and this college girl would still be alive."

"I know." Gillian sighed and fell quiet again. After Cal drove another twenty minutes in silence, he saw a Taco Bell and McDonald's sign and exited the freeway.

"What are you doing?" Gillian looked up.

"Getting off the interstate. I told you I was gonna pull over if you didn't tell me what's really bothering you. Now we stop at Subway's down the street and get us some lunch. That'll be about the time I give you to decide to tell me on your own. After that, I'll grill you." Cal turned into the parking lot. "Subway ok with you or did you want to get something else?"

"No, no. Better than the crap at McDonald's and Taco Bell anyway." Gillian undid the seatbelt and slipped out of the car before Cal could attack her with more questions. She threw the car door closed and breathed a deep sigh.

Cal had gotten outside as well in the meantime and raised his eyebrows concerned.

"Do you think if Mr Cutter had been around more and a better father to Paul, his son would have turned out differently?"

"Probably. Every one of our actions has consequences." Cal locked the car and went around the hood where he joined Gill. They walked towards the entrance of the Subway store.

"Do you think some people are just born evil? I mean Paul was probably a nice child. Sure he started acting out after his mother died and got in with the wrong crowd, but his father loved him. He tried his best but it wasn't enough."

"Ahhh, the good old nature versus nurture debate." Cal grinned. "Do I think Paul would have started raping and killing women with a strong mother figure in his life? I don't know. It's really futile to ask yourself these questions anyway. Unless we study Paul and pinpoint his trigger for abusing women, we can't make any conclusions. I shouldn't have to tell you that, _Doctor_ Foster."

Cal looked at his friend and colleague amused. Usually she was the clinical psychologist with the proper training and experience to connect these dots and remind him to keep an open opinion. "What's brought on these thoughts, Foster, if I may ask. You're not usually one to jump to conclusions about psychological development, that's my specialty."

"I'm a bit scared."

"Oh. I'll do the interview. If Paul Cutter gives you the creeps, you won't have to be in the room with us. I can give you that day off, order you to stay away from the office. Give you a chance to make a real dent into your stuff to package for moving. Play the insane and overprotective boss card in front of Loker and Torres."

Gillian laughed out loud and explained, "I'm not chicken. I wasn't even thinking about Paul Cutter." She was interrupted when the Subway guy asked her for her order. "One cup of soup du jour and 6 inch Italian herb with turkey breast and pepper jack toasted; plus a foot-long cold cut combo on Italian, no cheese, not toasted." Gillian rattled off their order without even asking Cal.

He watched her amused and was about to make some comment about how hot it when she ordered for him but then she turned to him and fixed him with her stare. "Like I said, Paul Cutter is probably just some spoilt, rich brat. I'm concerned about the whole nurture vs nature thing regarding our child."

Cal's smile fell at her words because she couldn't have punched his guts anymore if she'd literally punched his guts. Whoa! That explained her earlier reaction. Apparently when it came to motherhood, she threw Dr. Foster out the window and succumbed to the same gnawing doubts and insecurities as all mothers did. This was some serious questions she had and he had no answers ready. Crap, crap, crap.

"Would you like some veggies?" Saved by the subway guy!

Cal sighed in relief and turned the tables on Gillian. "No thanks, just some salt on the cold cut combo." They watched the young man wrap up his order. Just when he was done the oven beeped and Gillian's sub was ready. "Everything but olives and cucumber for the lady, lots of light ranch dressing but go easy on the salt and vinegar." He grinned at Gillian proudly. _How's that?_

She nodded amused but couldn't resist a little roll of her eyes. "Really, Cal, you have to outdo me ordering subs? Are you always this competitive?" He was about to retort but she held up her hand, "Save it!"

Instead she added their drinks to the order and walked over to the soda fountain to fill their cups. She didn't ever bother to haggle over who paid for the lunch, knowing he'd never let her win anyway. When Gill looked up again, she saw Cal grabbing a table in the corner, where they could have a relatively private conversation.

Since neither of them knew where to start, they ate their subs in silence. Cal practically wolfed down his footlong and was done before she'd finished her half sub. She was down to her last few bites, when Cal took a long gulp from his soda and finally spoke up.

"Look, I'll start, ok? Though I haven't gotten much further than I don't know the answer to your questions."

Gillian nodded and swallowed quickly. "I didn't expect you to have any. Hell, I don't even know how to ask my questions. However, all during our interview I couldn't help but wonder why Paul Cutter turned out the way he did? I mean Paul is Cutter's biological son and he had no control over him. We might not even know where our child comes from, what he or she's been through."

"Well, if that's your worry, we can insist on an open adoption. This way we can stay in touch with the biological parents and have information about their psychological and medical history. That way, we'll be somewhat prepared for what we may have to deal with in the future. Provided the birth parents are honest and wiling to share of course. I'm assuming that after birth defects stemming from drug and alcohol abuse during the pregnancy will be very high on the list of what we have to prepare ourselves for."

Gillian nodded. "We could always say no to severe health and mental damage caused by abuse on the application. They let you do that, refuse to adopt a baby whose health risks might be a big emotional and financial strain to parents."

"Is that what you want?"

"I don't know. Sophie was born to a junkie mother and she was perfect. Just my luck that my addicted birth mother has a spiritual awakening and decides to turn her life around in the 57 days of the waiting period and wants to have her miracle cure back." Gillian laughed bitterly.

"Hey now, I already made that a ground rule. No adoption in Delaware or any other state where the birth mother has time to change her opinion after the birth. I'm not gonna go through that with you again."

"It's horrible of me to say that, isn't it? I mean normally you would cheer that kind of behavior and resilience on."

"You're not horrible, you're just human."

"But what if I'm not good enough? What if we won't be good parents to our child? What if he resents us because he knows he's adopted? What if we can't find a way through to our daughter because she can't bond with us?"

"You're gonna hate me for saying this, but as we learned last weekend: Bonding happens only between birth mothers and their offspring, just like regular dads, we have to make do with forming attachments." Their course instructors, Ken and Staci, had taken to repeat this little nugget of wisdom ad nauseam last weekend and it had quickly become the running gag among the participants during breaks.

Gillian rolled her eyes. She knew that. She'd known that before the workshop. She'd even known it before her first course with Alec. She didn't expect the kid to form a strong bond with her the minute she held her for the first time but what if they never connected.

"I think I may want us to adopt babies and toddlers only with as little history of abuse as possible. I thought we could adopt an older child through foster-adopt, but after only one week into the refresher course, I'm starting to doubt my ability to deal with stubborn teenagers and damaged children."

"Jesus, Gill, would you stop putting so much pressure on yourself? I must admit I haven't been as supportive as you may have wished and expected but it was never because I doubted your ability to connect to older children! Would you just listen to yourself? The Gillian Foster I know would never describe a child as damaged, she'd bristle at the thought and gave whoever said it a swift kick in the arse!"

"It's all these horror stories from the foster workshop."

"Those are just stories. Hearsay. I met this couple at such and such and they told me about this couple they knew that adopted a kid that was the inspiration for _Problem Child_."

Gillian chuckled and Cal smiled satisfied. It had worked, he had lifted the dark clouds hovering over her mind just a little bit.

"What about the examples from Staci and Ken?"

"Warning shots to prepare us for the worst case scenario? Remember most people in the class are not trained psychologists like you are and may not be aware they're signing up for a lifetime of trouble. The kids are not damaged, they just have special needs. Needs even we as trained psychologists might need a little refresher for how to deal with their tantrums and behavior. Just think what rude awakening Ken and Barbie, bless their hearts, are in for regarding what parenthood is all about." Ken and Barbie weren't the nicknames Cal had given the young college couple in their course. Despite their introduction games, Cal couldn't remember their real names and stuck with Ken and Barbie. Gillian admitted it fit them to a T, they did look a bit like Mattel's doll power couple, right down to the blonde hair and fable for pink for the girl and the same haircut for her husband.

"I know! I just want to grab them and shake some sense into them. You're only twenty-two! Go live your life, see the world, gather experiences, and grow a bit wiser and mature before you take on the responsibility of a child. I'm afraid they consider this a bit like a puppy test run. Let's try and see how it goes with someone else's child before we commit to one of our own which we can't return when we grow tired of it."

"I sure hope Staci and Ken pull them aside to have a little heart-to-heart with them, cause if I don't I swear I'll talk some sense into them."

"Maybe you're not the right person to _talk_ some sense into _anyone_." Gillian shook her head laughing.

"Fine, you'll do the talking, I'll do the _knocking_." Cal grumbled. They smiled at each other just a tad moment too long, before it became so uncomfortably they had to cast their eyes downward.

"Wanna know a secret?" Cal whispered and leaned in conspiratorially. Gillian just raised her eyebrows curiously, as if to say go on. "I had just the same thoughts with Emily. Especially when she was little. Zoë did most of the hands-on parenting, since I had to travel quite a lot for the Pentagon back then. I would get home and constantly question my parenting skills, didn't help that Zoë was constantly nagging at me. I would spend whole nights watching over Emily sleeping, beating myself up for a decision I'd made earlier in the day afraid I screwed up my kid forever. What if she turned into a shoplifter because I didn't buy her any candy at the grocery store? What if she became a homegrown terrorist because I made her learn the Bill of Rights and the Declaration of Independence by heart against her will in first grade? Not that she had much choice since it was a homework assignment but still. Was it too early to wean her off her nightlight and teddy bear, so she wouldn't rely on clutches too much in life? Would she fall in with the wrong crowd and become susceptible to peer pressure when her mom and I divorced? Start doing drugs to drown out the emotional pain? What if she inherited my mother's depression? What would set it off and when? So many fears, Gill, so many sleepless nights, all over the whole nurture vs. nature thing."

"Well, to be fair, she has you for her father, so troublemaker is already in her DNA." Gillian teased him.

"Maybe you should be thankful that we can't make a baby of our own naturally after all. What a nightmare a son of mine might be! He'd have all your good looks and my terrible behavior." Cal laughed out loud.

Gillian grinned wistfully. She'd bet their biological son would be as cute as a button until he hit school age and Cal's rebellious streak turned from adorable and so cute once into agony with no end in sight.

"For the record, Foster, I may have my reservations about taking in a troubled teenager through the state's foster-adopt program because I don't want to expose Emily to the things I try to keep her away from, but I just _know_ that out of all the people _that_ troubled kid had to deal with in their young life, _you'll_ be the first and perhaps the only one who'll get truly through to them. You're amazing, Gill, when you do your thing. And there's no shame in admitting that you bit off more than you can chew. We can just drop out of the workshop anytime, if we decide it's not what we want. We aren't bound by any commitments. And just because we admit we're not strong enough to deal with the baggage that comes with an abused and neglected child, doesn't make us any less suited parents. Though I feel sorry for all the kids in the system who'll miss out on a great chance in life with a wonderful role model, friend and mother."

"Is that what you want? Drop out?"

Cal shrugged his shoulders.

"We should finish, just in case, don't you think? I mean it will look good with the adoption agencies, since it shows commitment to the whole process and understanding that we're willing to do anything to become parents and that we're really serious about it."

"You just wanna keep going back so you can watch Max trip over his hormones and slip in his puddle of drool over you." Cal teased her and for the first time since their meeting with Mr. Cutter Gillian laughed wholeheartedly.

Gillian wiped a tear out of her eye, "Thank you, I needed that."

"Pleased to be of service." Cal tipped his imaginary hat.

"Thanks, Cal. For everything. I don't know if I've been expressing much lately how grateful I am that you're in this with me. You keep me grounded, I don't know what I'd do if I had to go through this alone."

"You'd still have me to come to. I'll always listen to your problems and if I can't help you feel better, there's always my shoulder to cry on. There's only one thing you'll never be: alone. Gill, I promise we'll see this through together. I'd be there for you every step of the way even if you'd decided to do this as a single mum. I'm your friend, Gill. I'll never leave you hanging again." He put his hand over hers in a reassuring gesture.

"Cal?" He nodded at her timid inquiry. "I think we should talk about stuff like this more. Even if we think the other one is not going to like what we have to say. I think it's really good and important for us to sort out any issues and fears we have about the adoption before we start applying."

"Maybe we really should start making that list, like Emily suggested. Not just for the wedding but also for the adoption."

"We can keep it on the fridge, so Emily can contribute her concerns to. And then once a week we can sit down as a family and address a couple items on it."

"That sounds like a plan." Cal grinned and rose from his seat. "Now what do you say we get back to the city before rush hour begins and the kids send out a S&R party for us. I bet Loker is already bursting with excitement to tell us how _he_ kept the fort down while mummy and daddy ran out on an errand." He held out his hand for her.

Gillian chuckled and accepted his hand. "In that case, we should stop over at CVS and buy him a lollipop for good behavior."

Cal guffawed. "I'm rubbing off on you. I like it." When Gillian really pulled in the direction of the store once outside, Cal added, "And don't worry we'll get some gummy bears for you, too, love."


End file.
